So I had a long conversation with my uncle not too long ago , one that really resonated with me. He is a football coach , but in a lot of ways that makes him like a mentor . Think of any thing you've been coached on , that person becomes some one you look up to for advise and support. He told me that he had some key pieces of information that helped him, things he wished he knew when he was my age. These are some of the things I am going to share right now .
I had already planned to make 2015 a positive year. The last couple years have been hell on me and they have really taken their toll physically, emotionally, and mentally . I haven't been in control of really any aspect of my life other than small choices I make daily. But this upcoming year .. It will be completely different. This year, I am an adult and every choice is my own. I deside my own life , choices , and future . Here are some tips he gave me:
1. Always give . GIVE , GIVE , GIVE ! Even if you have next to nothing and it feels like you have nothing to offer .. Still give. Whether you believe in karma or not , give . Dont give with the intention of receiving , give with the intention of changing someones life. What may seem like nothing to you , could literally be all it takes to save a life. If you think that means only finances and money. You're dead wrong. Of coarse , money is always helpful but sometimes money isn't what a person wants or needs. A few good ways to give more in 2015 ..
- Go in your closet and flip all your hangers facing out . By June , any hanger still facing out , give that article of clothing away to a homeless shelter or a Goodwill .
- Take an extra $20 for your monthly or weekly food budget and buy sandwhich fixings .. Make some sandwhiches and pass them out where ever you see a homeless person or community. It may feel like nothing really to you. But showing them that some one cares could be all they need to keep pushing forward.
- Next time you go out to fast food or drinks (Mc Donalds , Starbucks ) or even gas . put an extra $5 towards the next person's purchase. Its small and simple , but in the long run it makes all the world of difference.
The next thing he told me was a little harder to hear and accept , and may also be harder to put into practice. I naturally am the type to turn down help even knowing I need it. Especially when it comes to taking money or expensive gifts , its hard for me to take them. This is a habit I really need to break. Why ? Because the next rule is ;
2. Take (Ask). Take what you need and never be afraid to ask for what you need. So many of us will let ourselves run totally dry before we will allow another person to help. Why? Some where between human pride and fear of rejection , this concept is uncomfortable for us, but the phrase , "a closed mouth never gets fed" , it's a serious statement. No one can read your mind and see into your hearts desire . If you need something the only way to get it is to ask. Another thing is , don't always look at it as "taking" but more as receiving . Never turn down something another person tries to give you. Just as we are afraid to ask for more , some people fear giving what they have because they may feel that it isn't enough and don't want to be turned down . never deny someone the blessing of being able to give .. Some times they just need to give , and turning them down is showing them that their offering is inadequate .
3. Make a dream board or a goal board. I know this sounds like a clishe teenage girl thing to do , but think about it this way. Every one has dreams and goals . Its also been proven that we tend to remember things better if we associate them with something else important to us. A dream board shows exactly what you want and is a visual reminder of why you want it. A good idea of how to add to it , is to thing of 3 main reasons why that dream is important to you and how accomplishing that goal would be beneficial in the long run . A goal with no purpose behind it is simply a thought. Make your dreams a reality . Focus , think , apply .
These are just a few of the things he shared with me (in my own words of coarse) , and I thought that others might be inspired by these thoughts as well (:
If even just a fraction of our population could be like this , the world would be a better place !
-Nell 🎵
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
Parents or Givers of Life ??
Now before you all just assume I'm an angry teenager that hates their parents simply for the fact that I'm young and want to do things my own way .. First of all , I don't allow closed minded fucks on my page , so gtfo .. Second , You have no idea the kind of parents I've had and encountered .. So just stay with me .
I understand that no one is perfect , becoming a parent cannot instantly make you perfect .. But , you need to understand that your choices aren't your own any more . Every thing you do has to be with your child in mind , because every thing you do affects them . I'm about to go through a bullet point list of what not to do as a parent just based on experiences with me and my friends .. (I will not use any names or expose identities .. I swear . That's not my business to tell .)
*Physical reprimanding is acceptable (Otherwise known as Spanking) , it is not okay to leave bruises , marks , or scars on your child . Nor is it okay to do it so often that your kids become jumpy with the expectant of being beat .
*If your child (of same or opposite gender) feels you are being inappropriate in some manner , you need to stop what ever the fuck it is you are doing to make them uncomfortable . Especially if said child can give you a specific list of what they are not okay with . You do not have the right to tell them that they are liars and you can do what ever the fuck you want . I know from personal experience how humiliated and violated you feel , by the person you are supposed to be able to put all your trust in .. your parent .
*If you are dating some one that your kid(s) hate , that abuses them (physically , emotionally , mentally , sexually , etc) or that constantly disrespect you in front of them , and you stay with them , or worse pick them over your child , YOU are a bad fucking parent . When you make the dedication to have a kid , you are saying that for the rest of their life (or at the VERY least until they turn 18) you are promising to put their needs above yours at all costs . If you pick any person over your child while they are still dependent on you , you are a shit parent . Relationships come and go , you will NEVER get a second chance to raise your kids right and show them they can trust you .
*You cannot by any circumstance what so ever be a good parent while on drugs . Period . You are not only breaking the law , you are putting your child's safety in jeopardy , and risking the factor that they may lose you forever (either by jail or death) . You are not fully aware and alert nor are you by any means a good role model . Get clean , or give them up to some one who is .
*Do not ever , EVER threaten your child's life . Not even as a joke . That whole , "I brought you into this world , I can take you out" thing is total fucking bullshit .. Whether you understand it our not , that traumatizes a child . To hear the person they are supposed look up to , and trust to keep them safe not only wants them dead , but dead at their hand ? No . It's simply unacceptable . Don't say it when your're angry , don't say it when your joking .. Just don't .
Last but not least:
*If you are financially unstable , you are instantly a bad parent . If you can't afford and provide for your baby , you just shouldn't have one . I know things happen .. And that's fine , but step the fuck up . Do not make your baby go with out , that is beyond unfair to them . If you can't keep a roof over their heads , clothes on their back , and food in their stomach .. You are an unfit parent . PERIOD .
These are just some of the few circumstances that literally describe the life of me and my closest peers . Sadly , most of these categories applied to every one of us ..
Being alive is hard enough , being a parent is harder .. I know , I had to grow up waay faster than I should've to raise kids I didn't even carry and push out . It was total bullshit . But at a young age I learned .. They don't understand what's going on the way that I do , and they probably wont for years . All they will remember was who was there , and who wasn't .. And I didn't want to be one of the many on the side that weren't there . So I sucked it up , I sacrificed , and I did what the fuck I had to do so THEY could have the childhood I didn't get , because if I had the choice I would want some one to have been there to rescue me ...
I understand that no one is perfect , becoming a parent cannot instantly make you perfect .. But , you need to understand that your choices aren't your own any more . Every thing you do has to be with your child in mind , because every thing you do affects them . I'm about to go through a bullet point list of what not to do as a parent just based on experiences with me and my friends .. (I will not use any names or expose identities .. I swear . That's not my business to tell .)
*Physical reprimanding is acceptable (Otherwise known as Spanking) , it is not okay to leave bruises , marks , or scars on your child . Nor is it okay to do it so often that your kids become jumpy with the expectant of being beat .
*If your child (of same or opposite gender) feels you are being inappropriate in some manner , you need to stop what ever the fuck it is you are doing to make them uncomfortable . Especially if said child can give you a specific list of what they are not okay with . You do not have the right to tell them that they are liars and you can do what ever the fuck you want . I know from personal experience how humiliated and violated you feel , by the person you are supposed to be able to put all your trust in .. your parent .
*If you are dating some one that your kid(s) hate , that abuses them (physically , emotionally , mentally , sexually , etc) or that constantly disrespect you in front of them , and you stay with them , or worse pick them over your child , YOU are a bad fucking parent . When you make the dedication to have a kid , you are saying that for the rest of their life (or at the VERY least until they turn 18) you are promising to put their needs above yours at all costs . If you pick any person over your child while they are still dependent on you , you are a shit parent . Relationships come and go , you will NEVER get a second chance to raise your kids right and show them they can trust you .
*You cannot by any circumstance what so ever be a good parent while on drugs . Period . You are not only breaking the law , you are putting your child's safety in jeopardy , and risking the factor that they may lose you forever (either by jail or death) . You are not fully aware and alert nor are you by any means a good role model . Get clean , or give them up to some one who is .
*Do not ever , EVER threaten your child's life . Not even as a joke . That whole , "I brought you into this world , I can take you out" thing is total fucking bullshit .. Whether you understand it our not , that traumatizes a child . To hear the person they are supposed look up to , and trust to keep them safe not only wants them dead , but dead at their hand ? No . It's simply unacceptable . Don't say it when your're angry , don't say it when your joking .. Just don't .
Last but not least:
*If you are financially unstable , you are instantly a bad parent . If you can't afford and provide for your baby , you just shouldn't have one . I know things happen .. And that's fine , but step the fuck up . Do not make your baby go with out , that is beyond unfair to them . If you can't keep a roof over their heads , clothes on their back , and food in their stomach .. You are an unfit parent . PERIOD .
These are just some of the few circumstances that literally describe the life of me and my closest peers . Sadly , most of these categories applied to every one of us ..
Being alive is hard enough , being a parent is harder .. I know , I had to grow up waay faster than I should've to raise kids I didn't even carry and push out . It was total bullshit . But at a young age I learned .. They don't understand what's going on the way that I do , and they probably wont for years . All they will remember was who was there , and who wasn't .. And I didn't want to be one of the many on the side that weren't there . So I sucked it up , I sacrificed , and I did what the fuck I had to do so THEY could have the childhood I didn't get , because if I had the choice I would want some one to have been there to rescue me ...
Friday, April 11, 2014
Part 4 ...
I couldn't believe that one man could be so ignorant , that he wouldn't realize his actions . Or even worse , so evil that he noticed them and simply didn't care . See , now in retrospect I can see more signs that I was wise enough to gather back then . See , at a young age , my sisters showed an interest in smoking cigarettes and one particularly liked alcohol .. He would give them these things which made them happy , but he did it behind their mothers' back . I never noticed this before .. But it was a classic scenario of you do for me , I do for you . He manipulated their silence , probably w/o them even noticing ..
I had tried all I could .. but I figured .. maybe he's right . I'm just a stupid kid , who's gonna believe me anyways ? I had no idea how powerful the words of a small girl to the right person could be . In June of 2009 , we moved from North Highlands to Rio Linda . Beautiful two-story house , great yard , kitchen , some of the rooms were painted crazy colors ! It was great . But nothing about our family changed .. Just the scenery . By this time I was on a month-2-month basis w/ my parents .. July was mom's month . My mom came to pick me up that first week of July , and my baby sister is sitting on the stairs just balling her eyes out . She keeps taking my stuff back upstairs , telling me not to leave her .. I sat down next to her and told her I would be back next month and not to cry . She looked me dead in my eyes and said , "No you wont . You'll never step foot in this house again." I scoffed and left thinking she was being over dramatic .. But that girls got a gift ..
A few weeks later , CPS called my mother saying that my father was under investigation for the violation of about 5-20 different young girls and not to let me go over there . She set up a day to come to my home and talk to me . She asked me what things were like in that house , how we all got along , whether or not he had ever touched or hurt me .. I couldn't lie , it was my chance to finally bust his ass for mentally and physically scarring us kids .. I told the lady every thing I knew and could remember . All I wanted was to be with my sisters . I remember asking the lady , "just tell me one thing .. Did he touch the baby girl ?" .. She looked at me with a sad puppy look and said , every one I've talked to had a story .. I ran to my room and balled , and I honestly don't know what was said between her and my mom .. I remember the lady offering me counseling .. God , do I wish I had taken it back then ..
I waited to hear the news my father had been arrested , I even had to go to this building and give an official statement to a person in a suit with other people and my mom behind a 2-way mirror .. I thought for sure he was going down .. Nope. He was let off the hook completely because the one person who could put him behind bars refused to get up on the stand . Can you blame her ? I mean .. We all just wanted this to be over and justice served .. She confessed to me one night that she didn't do it because she thought that my little brother and I would hate her .. And I wanted her to know from the bottom of my heart that I love her to death , and that prick bastard will never , EVER mean more to me than she does <3
To this day I hope that man rots in hell and a cell .. He may be my father but he will never be my dad . I trusted him .. I loved him , and even after all that I still risked my every thing to help him , and time after time he has hurt and betrayed me , and I just can't keep forgiving him . I will never forgive him for what he did to me and my sisters ... Ever . It's an unforgivable sin .. You wanna know what the worst part is ..? To this day he stand by his decisions and truly believes that he did nothing wrong .. How could one man be so stupid .?
I had tried all I could .. but I figured .. maybe he's right . I'm just a stupid kid , who's gonna believe me anyways ? I had no idea how powerful the words of a small girl to the right person could be . In June of 2009 , we moved from North Highlands to Rio Linda . Beautiful two-story house , great yard , kitchen , some of the rooms were painted crazy colors ! It was great . But nothing about our family changed .. Just the scenery . By this time I was on a month-2-month basis w/ my parents .. July was mom's month . My mom came to pick me up that first week of July , and my baby sister is sitting on the stairs just balling her eyes out . She keeps taking my stuff back upstairs , telling me not to leave her .. I sat down next to her and told her I would be back next month and not to cry . She looked me dead in my eyes and said , "No you wont . You'll never step foot in this house again." I scoffed and left thinking she was being over dramatic .. But that girls got a gift ..
A few weeks later , CPS called my mother saying that my father was under investigation for the violation of about 5-20 different young girls and not to let me go over there . She set up a day to come to my home and talk to me . She asked me what things were like in that house , how we all got along , whether or not he had ever touched or hurt me .. I couldn't lie , it was my chance to finally bust his ass for mentally and physically scarring us kids .. I told the lady every thing I knew and could remember . All I wanted was to be with my sisters . I remember asking the lady , "just tell me one thing .. Did he touch the baby girl ?" .. She looked at me with a sad puppy look and said , every one I've talked to had a story .. I ran to my room and balled , and I honestly don't know what was said between her and my mom .. I remember the lady offering me counseling .. God , do I wish I had taken it back then ..
I waited to hear the news my father had been arrested , I even had to go to this building and give an official statement to a person in a suit with other people and my mom behind a 2-way mirror .. I thought for sure he was going down .. Nope. He was let off the hook completely because the one person who could put him behind bars refused to get up on the stand . Can you blame her ? I mean .. We all just wanted this to be over and justice served .. She confessed to me one night that she didn't do it because she thought that my little brother and I would hate her .. And I wanted her to know from the bottom of my heart that I love her to death , and that prick bastard will never , EVER mean more to me than she does <3
To this day I hope that man rots in hell and a cell .. He may be my father but he will never be my dad . I trusted him .. I loved him , and even after all that I still risked my every thing to help him , and time after time he has hurt and betrayed me , and I just can't keep forgiving him . I will never forgive him for what he did to me and my sisters ... Ever . It's an unforgivable sin .. You wanna know what the worst part is ..? To this day he stand by his decisions and truly believes that he did nothing wrong .. How could one man be so stupid .?
My life story .. and you wonder why Im so messed up .. Part three
This post might hit the feels a little bit ..
So , after the Erika thing went south , I had to move in with my dad and his wife and kids . I had been avoiding going over there as much as possible because of the things that went on over there , but after we moved into the area , my mother started forcing me to go over there more . Since she was blind sighted by the move , she had no where to go , and thus no where to put me .. So I lived with him for months w/o a break .. I shared a room with the younger two kids at first , then with one of my older sisters . Life there was less than ideal . The babies always got what ever they could whine their way into , and the two mid-oldest were the rebel kids . One was always in trouble and the other was so bad , they didn't even bother to punish her cause she didn't give a fuck what they said any ways . My oldest sister was left with the responsibility of raising us at least 80% of the time , cause our parents .. Well , they weren't ever there , but that wasn't new or shocking .. It was like that pretty much from the time they first got together . I remember a lot of weekends where I saw a whole lot of my sister running the house and not a whole lot of the adults at all . After a while , I stopped giving my sister such a hard time and started helping her take on the responsibility cause , no teen should have to do that alone .. not with 5 kids . But , when she turned 18 , she dipped . She couldn't handle the pressure they were putting on her , and honestly I can't blame her . There's a reason I didn't ever go over there .. that was one of the big ones .
Another big reason I stopped going over there .. I started to feel like some of the way that my father interacted with us kids , especially us girls , was just flat out inappropriate .. He was constantly tickling us , grabbing us , popping our bra straps , etc . It started with little things like that , things that wouldn't even normally cross your radar .. But then it started to get , different . Every morning he would want each one of us kids to INDIVIDUALLY go into his room in the morning and say hi to him once he woke up . Mind you , he slept naked , and all that was between us was a thin sheet . He would make us lay down and cuddle with him , talk to him . He would start messing with us and tickling us which we were uncomfortable with , but he told us we were over reacting and that it wasn't optional . Every week it seemed to get a little worse . He started commenting on how we'd "grown" and he was in no way referring to our height .. He would force us to sit on his lap , and kiss him on the lips . (against my will I might add cause I never grew up w/ kissing being a greeting so I thought it was weird as fuck , especially with him)
I remember one day , he wanted to talk to me ... In his room .. I have no idea why considering the house was empty as I can remember . He laid down and told me to lay with him . I told him no , and he looked at me mean . He repeated himself . I told him that I didn't really feel like laying down and I sat on the end of his bed . He pulled me up to the pillows forcing me to lay down with him . He then tried to cover me with his blankets , I told him no that it was too hot , he ignored me . I would periodically try to throw the blankets off me and he would force them back on me . He started to doze off mid-convo and I decided that this was my only chance to get away from him .. So I waited for him to fully fall asleep , while I was sweating buckets under his thick ass blanket , and I snuck out as quietly as I could .. I was paralyzed . I couldn't believe that I just had to escape from my dad's bedroom like a scared victim from their potential murderer . I felt betrayed , like I couldn't trust him , and I stayed scared from then on . Things like this kept happening over and over , but I just kept telling myself that it was all in my head .. Finally , I grew some balls and asked my sisters about it .. They told me that not only had they experienced this abuse , but extended female family and friends had as well .. I wont share their stories , cause they aren't mine to tell but .. I assure you , they don't get any better or easier to hear . To this day , I am more hurt than any thing .. In life you should , if no one else , be able to trust your two biological parents .. And yet one was inappropriately invading my personal space . I asked my step mom if she would talk to him for me , but to my knowledge , she never even tried .. So I got fed up and sat him down . I told him that I , along with others , were done being sexually assaulted by him , that he needed to keep his hands to him self , no more kissing on the mouth , no more grabbing of body parts , no more sitting on his lap and being in the room while hes naked under a thin sheet . I laid out for him my ground rules and told him I would ruin him if he didn't change .
In the most oblivious and deniable way he told me that he was a grown man , I had no right to tell him what to do , there was nothing wrong with his actions , and I had no witnesses to back me up ..
So , after the Erika thing went south , I had to move in with my dad and his wife and kids . I had been avoiding going over there as much as possible because of the things that went on over there , but after we moved into the area , my mother started forcing me to go over there more . Since she was blind sighted by the move , she had no where to go , and thus no where to put me .. So I lived with him for months w/o a break .. I shared a room with the younger two kids at first , then with one of my older sisters . Life there was less than ideal . The babies always got what ever they could whine their way into , and the two mid-oldest were the rebel kids . One was always in trouble and the other was so bad , they didn't even bother to punish her cause she didn't give a fuck what they said any ways . My oldest sister was left with the responsibility of raising us at least 80% of the time , cause our parents .. Well , they weren't ever there , but that wasn't new or shocking .. It was like that pretty much from the time they first got together . I remember a lot of weekends where I saw a whole lot of my sister running the house and not a whole lot of the adults at all . After a while , I stopped giving my sister such a hard time and started helping her take on the responsibility cause , no teen should have to do that alone .. not with 5 kids . But , when she turned 18 , she dipped . She couldn't handle the pressure they were putting on her , and honestly I can't blame her . There's a reason I didn't ever go over there .. that was one of the big ones .
Another big reason I stopped going over there .. I started to feel like some of the way that my father interacted with us kids , especially us girls , was just flat out inappropriate .. He was constantly tickling us , grabbing us , popping our bra straps , etc . It started with little things like that , things that wouldn't even normally cross your radar .. But then it started to get , different . Every morning he would want each one of us kids to INDIVIDUALLY go into his room in the morning and say hi to him once he woke up . Mind you , he slept naked , and all that was between us was a thin sheet . He would make us lay down and cuddle with him , talk to him . He would start messing with us and tickling us which we were uncomfortable with , but he told us we were over reacting and that it wasn't optional . Every week it seemed to get a little worse . He started commenting on how we'd "grown" and he was in no way referring to our height .. He would force us to sit on his lap , and kiss him on the lips . (against my will I might add cause I never grew up w/ kissing being a greeting so I thought it was weird as fuck , especially with him)
I remember one day , he wanted to talk to me ... In his room .. I have no idea why considering the house was empty as I can remember . He laid down and told me to lay with him . I told him no , and he looked at me mean . He repeated himself . I told him that I didn't really feel like laying down and I sat on the end of his bed . He pulled me up to the pillows forcing me to lay down with him . He then tried to cover me with his blankets , I told him no that it was too hot , he ignored me . I would periodically try to throw the blankets off me and he would force them back on me . He started to doze off mid-convo and I decided that this was my only chance to get away from him .. So I waited for him to fully fall asleep , while I was sweating buckets under his thick ass blanket , and I snuck out as quietly as I could .. I was paralyzed . I couldn't believe that I just had to escape from my dad's bedroom like a scared victim from their potential murderer . I felt betrayed , like I couldn't trust him , and I stayed scared from then on . Things like this kept happening over and over , but I just kept telling myself that it was all in my head .. Finally , I grew some balls and asked my sisters about it .. They told me that not only had they experienced this abuse , but extended female family and friends had as well .. I wont share their stories , cause they aren't mine to tell but .. I assure you , they don't get any better or easier to hear . To this day , I am more hurt than any thing .. In life you should , if no one else , be able to trust your two biological parents .. And yet one was inappropriately invading my personal space . I asked my step mom if she would talk to him for me , but to my knowledge , she never even tried .. So I got fed up and sat him down . I told him that I , along with others , were done being sexually assaulted by him , that he needed to keep his hands to him self , no more kissing on the mouth , no more grabbing of body parts , no more sitting on his lap and being in the room while hes naked under a thin sheet . I laid out for him my ground rules and told him I would ruin him if he didn't change .
In the most oblivious and deniable way he told me that he was a grown man , I had no right to tell him what to do , there was nothing wrong with his actions , and I had no witnesses to back me up ..
My life story .. and you wonder I'm screwed up ... Part 2
I could go on for days about the bunches of places that we lived in or stayed in , but there were a few that were more extreme than others . Some situations that even the nicest or calmest person would blow their lid having to deal with.. Let's start with Linda .
Linda- She was a sweet old lady , recently widowed , had a nice 3 bedroom house and a small dog . After leaving my mom's friends house , we moved in with Linda .. this was February 1st , 07 . The room we rented was small , my mom and I shared both the room , and a twin sized mattress to sleep on . Upon moving in , I got very sick , with what I remember to be flu symptoms . Fever , chills , fatigue , I didn't move for days .
Two weeks after moving in she tells us that she wants her space back and we need to be out before the end of the month . THE SHORTEST CALENDAR MONTH OF THE YEAR .. But she told us she would pay back rent for every day we weren't there . So we packed up our shit and tried to find another home . We stumbled upon our next roommate .. from HELL ..
Cheryl- Cheryl was an older woman with a nice older house in Del Paso Heights . She had a mother and young daughter renting the 3rd bedroom from her already , but had the master bedroom available for rent . The location and situation were not ideal , but what do you expect from house hunting on SCL ? So we move in there , thankfully there was lots of room and closet space . A few weeks into living there we find out , the other mother daughter couple has scabies ! Yes I do mean the microscopic parasite that lives and burrows under your skin causing gross and painful rashes that are highly contagious .. Wonderful right ? It gets better .. I started my first ever school year at Hagginwood Elementary , but I didn't start til 2 months before school got out . When I got there it was like a bad mean-girls movie . The clicks had began already , even though high school hadn't .. and of coarse the one girl I liked there happened to be the outcast of the entire school . And what does the out casts best friend become ..? You guessed it .. So I got picked on , pushed around , picked last , and had rumors started about me . Karina was my only friend . Every day I would come home and Cheryl was screaming at me or my mother for something , and my mom never stood up to her , for fear that it would cost us our housing . Well , one day before Cheryl left on a vacation , I was standing in the kitchen listening to her scream at my mother about how "dirty" the kitchen was , even though I had just watched my mom clean it . My mom was giggling and humming to herself trying to ignore Cheryl which just pissed her off more .. I swear I saw her go to swing on my mom and my mouth just blurted "Don't put your hands on my mom you bitch!" She.. went .. NUTS ! She literally went around the kitchen touching everything and saying , "you can't use this , or touch this .." and finally she just banned me from the kitchen all together . (believe it or not that is not the worst of her , but I have better stories to come)
Erika- Struggling to find where to go next, my mom stumbled upon Erika on CL . She was a single mom with two young daughters , a 2 yr old and a 7 yr old . She said she had a car , but it was unreliable . My mom figured that some one like her was great to move in with , they could exchange war stories and parenting strategies and being supporting to one another .. Ha , yeah right . Not long after we move in , Erika asks to borrow our car , says she has to see the Dr. every morning for a shot and her brother was borrowing her car to 'fix it up' . We get a call not long after that if we don't find our way down to the Methadone clinic within the hour , our car was being impounded . My mom rushes down there to find that Erika is a , supposedly , recovering drug addict .. But the reason they called is because when they did a pre-shot drug scan she came up negative and wanted to impound her car so she couldn't drive under the influence again , thats when she told them the car wasn't hers . Things got worse and worse with her until the last straw . Erika had her 'brother' and his gf over for a night and we went to bed not thinking any thing of it . Her 7 year old , whom we were raising cause she was always gone or .. "gone" .. knocks on our door one morning and tells us she tried every thing but "mommy wont wake up" . My mom and I flew out of bed to find Erika passed out on the floor convulsing . We called 911 and she was rushed to the ER , the girls stayed w/ us that day and just cried . While she was gone , my mom went down to get the mail one day . After opening the rent notice she discovered that Erika was lying to her about the amount of money she needed each month . She tacked on cigarette and weed expenses w/o even consulting my mother . So when she returns home asking for the rent , my mom gives her ONLY what she truly needs to pay the rent .. Erika flips , steals my moms cell phone and tells her she can't have it back unless she gives her the rest of the money . My mom tells me to stay in the room , but the more I hear them arguing , the less I could stay in that room . They moved their argument out to the living room , where it took a sour turn . She began to swing on my mom as well as attempting to throw our cell phone over the balcony . When she got physical I tried to call 911 on the home phone , but she snatched the phone and hung it up . I tried once more , she told dispatch "every thing is fine , don't come" , which is usually a clear indication that there is something wrong , but they didn't catch the clue . I tried for the 3rd time to call , she ripped the phone cord out of the wall . I replaced the cord , put my hand over the wall socket and call again , she ripped the cord out again , hurting my hand . I was done with this , so I ran for the front door (not knowing it was locked) , she charged after me and my mom went into momma bear mode . She wrapped Erikas insanely long hair around her hand and yanked her back , screaming "dont touch my daughter!". I ran to my friend Jackies house and called the police from there .. That night I ended up moving into my dads , and the police told my mom just to move her stuff out if she didn't want to take Erika to court .
Think my life can't get any more interesting ? This was only age 12 .. I'll be 18 this year , and this is only 3 roommates out of .. Im not even sure how many ..
Linda- She was a sweet old lady , recently widowed , had a nice 3 bedroom house and a small dog . After leaving my mom's friends house , we moved in with Linda .. this was February 1st , 07 . The room we rented was small , my mom and I shared both the room , and a twin sized mattress to sleep on . Upon moving in , I got very sick , with what I remember to be flu symptoms . Fever , chills , fatigue , I didn't move for days .
Two weeks after moving in she tells us that she wants her space back and we need to be out before the end of the month . THE SHORTEST CALENDAR MONTH OF THE YEAR .. But she told us she would pay back rent for every day we weren't there . So we packed up our shit and tried to find another home . We stumbled upon our next roommate .. from HELL ..
Cheryl- Cheryl was an older woman with a nice older house in Del Paso Heights . She had a mother and young daughter renting the 3rd bedroom from her already , but had the master bedroom available for rent . The location and situation were not ideal , but what do you expect from house hunting on SCL ? So we move in there , thankfully there was lots of room and closet space . A few weeks into living there we find out , the other mother daughter couple has scabies ! Yes I do mean the microscopic parasite that lives and burrows under your skin causing gross and painful rashes that are highly contagious .. Wonderful right ? It gets better .. I started my first ever school year at Hagginwood Elementary , but I didn't start til 2 months before school got out . When I got there it was like a bad mean-girls movie . The clicks had began already , even though high school hadn't .. and of coarse the one girl I liked there happened to be the outcast of the entire school . And what does the out casts best friend become ..? You guessed it .. So I got picked on , pushed around , picked last , and had rumors started about me . Karina was my only friend . Every day I would come home and Cheryl was screaming at me or my mother for something , and my mom never stood up to her , for fear that it would cost us our housing . Well , one day before Cheryl left on a vacation , I was standing in the kitchen listening to her scream at my mother about how "dirty" the kitchen was , even though I had just watched my mom clean it . My mom was giggling and humming to herself trying to ignore Cheryl which just pissed her off more .. I swear I saw her go to swing on my mom and my mouth just blurted "Don't put your hands on my mom you bitch!" She.. went .. NUTS ! She literally went around the kitchen touching everything and saying , "you can't use this , or touch this .." and finally she just banned me from the kitchen all together . (believe it or not that is not the worst of her , but I have better stories to come)
Erika- Struggling to find where to go next, my mom stumbled upon Erika on CL . She was a single mom with two young daughters , a 2 yr old and a 7 yr old . She said she had a car , but it was unreliable . My mom figured that some one like her was great to move in with , they could exchange war stories and parenting strategies and being supporting to one another .. Ha , yeah right . Not long after we move in , Erika asks to borrow our car , says she has to see the Dr. every morning for a shot and her brother was borrowing her car to 'fix it up' . We get a call not long after that if we don't find our way down to the Methadone clinic within the hour , our car was being impounded . My mom rushes down there to find that Erika is a , supposedly , recovering drug addict .. But the reason they called is because when they did a pre-shot drug scan she came up negative and wanted to impound her car so she couldn't drive under the influence again , thats when she told them the car wasn't hers . Things got worse and worse with her until the last straw . Erika had her 'brother' and his gf over for a night and we went to bed not thinking any thing of it . Her 7 year old , whom we were raising cause she was always gone or .. "gone" .. knocks on our door one morning and tells us she tried every thing but "mommy wont wake up" . My mom and I flew out of bed to find Erika passed out on the floor convulsing . We called 911 and she was rushed to the ER , the girls stayed w/ us that day and just cried . While she was gone , my mom went down to get the mail one day . After opening the rent notice she discovered that Erika was lying to her about the amount of money she needed each month . She tacked on cigarette and weed expenses w/o even consulting my mother . So when she returns home asking for the rent , my mom gives her ONLY what she truly needs to pay the rent .. Erika flips , steals my moms cell phone and tells her she can't have it back unless she gives her the rest of the money . My mom tells me to stay in the room , but the more I hear them arguing , the less I could stay in that room . They moved their argument out to the living room , where it took a sour turn . She began to swing on my mom as well as attempting to throw our cell phone over the balcony . When she got physical I tried to call 911 on the home phone , but she snatched the phone and hung it up . I tried once more , she told dispatch "every thing is fine , don't come" , which is usually a clear indication that there is something wrong , but they didn't catch the clue . I tried for the 3rd time to call , she ripped the phone cord out of the wall . I replaced the cord , put my hand over the wall socket and call again , she ripped the cord out again , hurting my hand . I was done with this , so I ran for the front door (not knowing it was locked) , she charged after me and my mom went into momma bear mode . She wrapped Erikas insanely long hair around her hand and yanked her back , screaming "dont touch my daughter!". I ran to my friend Jackies house and called the police from there .. That night I ended up moving into my dads , and the police told my mom just to move her stuff out if she didn't want to take Erika to court .
Think my life can't get any more interesting ? This was only age 12 .. I'll be 18 this year , and this is only 3 roommates out of .. Im not even sure how many ..
My life story .. And you wonder why I'm screwed up .. Part One
This is my way of telling people why I am the way I am .. These stories wont all be pleasant , and some may be just as hard for you to read as they are for me to write . If any one I know reads them I want you to know that I love you and hope you don't take offense to this (unless I hate you then .. Take loads of offense). This is just me , telling my life story from my perspective.
I grew up in a little apt in Rancho Cordova . I lived across the street from a library , I was unschooled , and my mom stayed at home with me . I remember that place . It was my home , my sanctuary . No matter what irrational fears I had , even back then , that apartment was my save place . It was in this apartment that I first discovered my biological father .. He came into my life only because his license was revoked for not paying child support .. Him and I soon had problems and I told him never to speak to me again ..
I remember when my mom first found out she wasn't going to be able to keep the apt . I don't know if she told me , or I over heard another convo , but I started to panic .. I packed little bags of clothes and toys in anticipation of losing my home .. Why I was so forward thinking as a child , I have no idea .. But I remember telling my mom we should leave before we get thrown out .. that we should live with grandma and grandpa . My mom refused , swore some thing would come along .. Nothing ever did . One morning the police and our land lady showed up on our door step with an eviction notice and with in the hour we were hauling shit to my grandparents house .. I lost my animals , my space , a lot of my stuff , and my sense of stability . That was the only place I had ever lived my entire life , and just like that .. It was gone .
Not long before we lost the place , my father pops back up . Says he's getting married and has 4 new siblings for me and one on the way .. I was so over joyed to finally have siblings that I totally forgot how much I hated him .. I through myself head on into that family .. To this day he thinks I came back to HIM , but honestly I probably still wouldn't have spoken to him if it weren't for them . He may claim his ex wife ruined his life , but w/o her , he wouldn't have even gotten the chance to know me .
Life at my grandparent's was hard . They had very different ways of doing pretty much every thing than what my mom and I were used to , so the four of us were constantly in a battle of who's right vs. who really gives a fuck .. it was nuts .. Two years after we moved in , my grandfather had a fatal car crash due to a brain aneurysm set off by a former stroke . I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours . That man was my best friend , my dad , my grandpa , my favorite person and he was just ripped away from me . One day a few months after the funeral , my grandma decided she was going to sell the house they have had since my mother was 5 and she was going to move to GA to be with her sister . I was so pissed .. I hated my grandmother for quite some time .. I to this day still feel like she abandoned us when what we needed most was family . Those two years with my moms parents were the last stable years of my childhood , cause we moved 15 other times between now and then .. and that's only including actual residencies , not motel stays or sleeping on a friends couch for a few days .
I grew up in a little apt in Rancho Cordova . I lived across the street from a library , I was unschooled , and my mom stayed at home with me . I remember that place . It was my home , my sanctuary . No matter what irrational fears I had , even back then , that apartment was my save place . It was in this apartment that I first discovered my biological father .. He came into my life only because his license was revoked for not paying child support .. Him and I soon had problems and I told him never to speak to me again ..
I remember when my mom first found out she wasn't going to be able to keep the apt . I don't know if she told me , or I over heard another convo , but I started to panic .. I packed little bags of clothes and toys in anticipation of losing my home .. Why I was so forward thinking as a child , I have no idea .. But I remember telling my mom we should leave before we get thrown out .. that we should live with grandma and grandpa . My mom refused , swore some thing would come along .. Nothing ever did . One morning the police and our land lady showed up on our door step with an eviction notice and with in the hour we were hauling shit to my grandparents house .. I lost my animals , my space , a lot of my stuff , and my sense of stability . That was the only place I had ever lived my entire life , and just like that .. It was gone .
Not long before we lost the place , my father pops back up . Says he's getting married and has 4 new siblings for me and one on the way .. I was so over joyed to finally have siblings that I totally forgot how much I hated him .. I through myself head on into that family .. To this day he thinks I came back to HIM , but honestly I probably still wouldn't have spoken to him if it weren't for them . He may claim his ex wife ruined his life , but w/o her , he wouldn't have even gotten the chance to know me .
Life at my grandparent's was hard . They had very different ways of doing pretty much every thing than what my mom and I were used to , so the four of us were constantly in a battle of who's right vs. who really gives a fuck .. it was nuts .. Two years after we moved in , my grandfather had a fatal car crash due to a brain aneurysm set off by a former stroke . I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours . That man was my best friend , my dad , my grandpa , my favorite person and he was just ripped away from me . One day a few months after the funeral , my grandma decided she was going to sell the house they have had since my mother was 5 and she was going to move to GA to be with her sister . I was so pissed .. I hated my grandmother for quite some time .. I to this day still feel like she abandoned us when what we needed most was family . Those two years with my moms parents were the last stable years of my childhood , cause we moved 15 other times between now and then .. and that's only including actual residencies , not motel stays or sleeping on a friends couch for a few days .
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Legacy In The Making
I need more buzz on my page ! I need clients like crazy .. My family is struggling to put the money together for my cap and gown , my phone bill . I still don't have shoes and a dress and the ceremony is this May !
If you guys would come and get your hair done that would be great , but if not .. Share the page at least ? (: Anything helps ! I need more pictures for my page as well ! <3 It's all in efforts to be successful in my career <3
-Nell♫♪
P.S. Please like the page if you check it out !!
https://www.facebook.com/legacyinthemaking2013
If you guys would come and get your hair done that would be great , but if not .. Share the page at least ? (: Anything helps ! I need more pictures for my page as well ! <3 It's all in efforts to be successful in my career <3
-Nell♫♪
P.S. Please like the page if you check it out !!
https://www.facebook.com/legacyinthemaking2013
Monday, February 10, 2014
Running in place , standing in circles ..
My whole life has been a series of problems and hardship . I can't remember the last time I was able to just sit back and be a kid , ignore all the grown up bull shit . I have always been the type to want to help and be involved , but was always told that I am a just a child so I don't know enough to be useful . So I got to sit back , and have not just a front row seat , but a leading role in the destruction of my own life , while being told that I don't know anything , or that I shouldn't even have the information that I have . Years and years and years this was my life . Now , here I am .. 7 months and 9 days from being a grown woman , and my life is already fallen apart . Due to decisions that I didn't make , that I didn't get a say in or even an opinion on , and now I am stuck , with no way out really .. That's where my title comes from . Yes I know it's supposed to be "standing in place" and "running in circles" but I think the backwards version fits me better . Because not only am I stuck in a cycle , but everything I am doing , being told , or being told to do , makes no god damned sense . I know every one says that you have power over your own life .. Mmm , under 18 with nothing yet going for you , you really don't . When I was 16 I got my first job . I was so excited , until my manager wouldn't take the time to train me , one of my co-workers was trying to train me , do her job , AND my managers job at the same time , and no body else pitched in to help her , they all did their own thing and clocked out . I couldn't handle the stress of being yelled at for not knowing how to do a job no one taught me .. so I quit . I was young , naive , I have always been super sensitive , and I was just as mad at myself for not doing it right as my boss was .. But now it's just a hindrance , cause I can't use it as a reference cause he thinks I'm an idiot , and w/o some sort of job experiance , no one wants to hire me ..
I was steady job searching from mid Aug , until about 2 weeks ago . Every day or so I applied some where else , all the applications that timed out I re did .. I made it a point to talk to the managers face to face , to call w/in 2 weeks of submitting an app .. I did everything they say you are supposed to do to show employers that you're serious and committed and still .. NOTHING .. So tell me how I am supposed to get myself out of a rut that I didn't dig , tried to climb out of , and have no dirt to refill it with ?
Why can't adult accept that they aren't always right ? They don't know best at least 30% of the time , and just because my age doesn't have a 1 and an 8 in it , doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about ?
It's not fair that parents can so easily ruin their kids' life , and they can't do shit about it . Your kids after about age 15/16 , DESERVE the right to make some if not most of their own decisions cause bottom line , you don't have to live with our fuck ups , but we might have to live forever with yours .
I was steady job searching from mid Aug , until about 2 weeks ago . Every day or so I applied some where else , all the applications that timed out I re did .. I made it a point to talk to the managers face to face , to call w/in 2 weeks of submitting an app .. I did everything they say you are supposed to do to show employers that you're serious and committed and still .. NOTHING .. So tell me how I am supposed to get myself out of a rut that I didn't dig , tried to climb out of , and have no dirt to refill it with ?
Why can't adult accept that they aren't always right ? They don't know best at least 30% of the time , and just because my age doesn't have a 1 and an 8 in it , doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about ?
It's not fair that parents can so easily ruin their kids' life , and they can't do shit about it . Your kids after about age 15/16 , DESERVE the right to make some if not most of their own decisions cause bottom line , you don't have to live with our fuck ups , but we might have to live forever with yours .
Thursday, January 30, 2014
My Monday !
So, this Monday , January 27th , was one of the busiest , craziest days !
I woke up around 10:30 am and saw I had a text message from my sister in law , Sissy . She asked me if I was home , I was curious as to why she wanted to know so I replied . She proceeds to tell me that her Nana came to pick her from school early , she wasn't feeling well , and fell down on the way to their car . Little background info , Nana is 80 years old , she works a full time job , pays all her own bills , and atleaast half of everybody else's , she drives people around all day every day , and never does for herself w/o doing for others . When I read the message I popped up . I told my bf that they need to collectively have a talk with Nana about over working herself cause she doesn't seem to see a problem . Sissy then tells me that Nana has to go to the ER and they called an ambulance for her cause while she was washing her hand out , she became dizzy and started to faint . Nana kept insisting that she was fine , but we all knew she needs to go in . In the fall , she cut the palm of her hand all the way open requiring 6 stitches , a numbing agent , and a small gauze cast for the day . For what ever reason , the HS nurse wasn't in that day .. So they had to call the Jr High nurse and have her walk across 2 campuses to look at her hand . When she got there and realized who Sissy and Nana were , she proceeds to tell them that Chy was just in her office , and is as well receiving and early dismissal . Sissy told me that I needed to come up to the high school (a little under 2 miles away) pick up the car , pick up her younger sister Chy , and we had already planned on having to walk to the grocery store that day ! After doing all of this , we returned back to our home to process all the information we just took in . Not long after that , Nana calls Sissy and tells her that I need to go get them because her grandsons truck gave out on them . No one mentioned to her or I that they were no longer at the hospital .. So, with her half a tank of gas , I drive myself all the way out to Blue Oak in Rocklin (mind you we live off the Greenback exit of 80) , and picked up Nana , she insisted on driving , but one look at her hand and I denied her access to her own steering wheel . She then tells us that her granddaughter needs to be picked up from work in 15 minutes and that her work is on Greenback and San Juan .... OH JOY ! So we go and pick her up .. When she gets in the car she asks why Nana isn't driving , Spenc(bf) tells her that we aren't allowing it , she looks at her hand and says "Oh that's not that bad ! She could drive perfectly fine." I seriously almost slammed on the brakes and punched her .. SERIOUSLY BITCH ?!?!? Were we looking at the same hand ? *God the ignorance in this family is never ending ..* After dropping her off at home , with her husband still stranded in Rocklin , we argue with Nana almost all the way home about her driving , she demands that she needs to go get her other granddaughter and great grandson at 5 & 6 . After a good 10 minutes of debate , she finally agrees to going home to get some rest and letting us finish her errands . We now have to drive about 8 miles into Pleasant Grove off of Baseline Rd to get to her work . She gets in the car and asks where her grandmother is . Evidently , people have been telling her all day that Nana is just fine , it was just a little fall and that there's nothing wrong with her what so ever .. So we tell her the REAL story . She , at least , had sense enough to understand why we were doing what we were .. She even agreed with us that she shouldn't be driving with a numb, stitched, wrapped hand .. We then picked up Spenc's little sister and his cousins little boy from their after school programs , and set out to the Sunrise area so that she could run an errand .
It was probably the most taxing, tiring, obnoxious, humbling day of my life . I spent 5 consecutive hours with my foot on a pedal .. How this woman does it every day , I have no clue ! And she works full time ! Nana is probably the most amazing woman I have ever met , if the whole world gave and helped the way she does, we would be way better off .. However , the problem comes in when she has irresponsible children and grandchildren who take advantage of her and are in just as much denial about her situation as she is . Why does she drive all the adults to and fro ? Because they don't have licenses .. Yes , they are ALL over 20 .. No driving ability . They barely GOT jobs in the first place . Her son , is the worst of them all though . My bf's dad .. He is a piece of work .. Honestly . He claimed to have been on our side .. But is the BIGGEST reason that this poor woman is working herself to death . She pays damn near all his bills . All his kids ? Guess who pays their phone bills ? And buys them the things they need ? NANA . She has to take them to school , and pick them up , and buy them lunches cause there's never any food for them at home . He tried ONE time to tell his mom to slow down , but instead of being consistent like his son and I were , he gave up at first attempt .. Way to go .. dumb ass . That day was hard , but for that woman I would do it again in a heart beat ! She is amazing <3
(If any of her kin reads this just know , YES I do mean you when I say all these hateful ass things , No I wont regret and I don't care how it makes you feel , and YOU should all be ashamed of yourselves ! GROW THE FUCK UP ! Be grown ! Stop making your Grandma/Mom live your life for you , cause guess what ..? When she's gone there will be no one left to give a fuck about you the way she does)
I woke up around 10:30 am and saw I had a text message from my sister in law , Sissy . She asked me if I was home , I was curious as to why she wanted to know so I replied . She proceeds to tell me that her Nana came to pick her from school early , she wasn't feeling well , and fell down on the way to their car . Little background info , Nana is 80 years old , she works a full time job , pays all her own bills , and atleaast half of everybody else's , she drives people around all day every day , and never does for herself w/o doing for others . When I read the message I popped up . I told my bf that they need to collectively have a talk with Nana about over working herself cause she doesn't seem to see a problem . Sissy then tells me that Nana has to go to the ER and they called an ambulance for her cause while she was washing her hand out , she became dizzy and started to faint . Nana kept insisting that she was fine , but we all knew she needs to go in . In the fall , she cut the palm of her hand all the way open requiring 6 stitches , a numbing agent , and a small gauze cast for the day . For what ever reason , the HS nurse wasn't in that day .. So they had to call the Jr High nurse and have her walk across 2 campuses to look at her hand . When she got there and realized who Sissy and Nana were , she proceeds to tell them that Chy was just in her office , and is as well receiving and early dismissal . Sissy told me that I needed to come up to the high school (a little under 2 miles away) pick up the car , pick up her younger sister Chy , and we had already planned on having to walk to the grocery store that day ! After doing all of this , we returned back to our home to process all the information we just took in . Not long after that , Nana calls Sissy and tells her that I need to go get them because her grandsons truck gave out on them . No one mentioned to her or I that they were no longer at the hospital .. So, with her half a tank of gas , I drive myself all the way out to Blue Oak in Rocklin (mind you we live off the Greenback exit of 80) , and picked up Nana , she insisted on driving , but one look at her hand and I denied her access to her own steering wheel . She then tells us that her granddaughter needs to be picked up from work in 15 minutes and that her work is on Greenback and San Juan .... OH JOY ! So we go and pick her up .. When she gets in the car she asks why Nana isn't driving , Spenc(bf) tells her that we aren't allowing it , she looks at her hand and says "Oh that's not that bad ! She could drive perfectly fine." I seriously almost slammed on the brakes and punched her .. SERIOUSLY BITCH ?!?!? Were we looking at the same hand ? *God the ignorance in this family is never ending ..* After dropping her off at home , with her husband still stranded in Rocklin , we argue with Nana almost all the way home about her driving , she demands that she needs to go get her other granddaughter and great grandson at 5 & 6 . After a good 10 minutes of debate , she finally agrees to going home to get some rest and letting us finish her errands . We now have to drive about 8 miles into Pleasant Grove off of Baseline Rd to get to her work . She gets in the car and asks where her grandmother is . Evidently , people have been telling her all day that Nana is just fine , it was just a little fall and that there's nothing wrong with her what so ever .. So we tell her the REAL story . She , at least , had sense enough to understand why we were doing what we were .. She even agreed with us that she shouldn't be driving with a numb, stitched, wrapped hand .. We then picked up Spenc's little sister and his cousins little boy from their after school programs , and set out to the Sunrise area so that she could run an errand .
It was probably the most taxing, tiring, obnoxious, humbling day of my life . I spent 5 consecutive hours with my foot on a pedal .. How this woman does it every day , I have no clue ! And she works full time ! Nana is probably the most amazing woman I have ever met , if the whole world gave and helped the way she does, we would be way better off .. However , the problem comes in when she has irresponsible children and grandchildren who take advantage of her and are in just as much denial about her situation as she is . Why does she drive all the adults to and fro ? Because they don't have licenses .. Yes , they are ALL over 20 .. No driving ability . They barely GOT jobs in the first place . Her son , is the worst of them all though . My bf's dad .. He is a piece of work .. Honestly . He claimed to have been on our side .. But is the BIGGEST reason that this poor woman is working herself to death . She pays damn near all his bills . All his kids ? Guess who pays their phone bills ? And buys them the things they need ? NANA . She has to take them to school , and pick them up , and buy them lunches cause there's never any food for them at home . He tried ONE time to tell his mom to slow down , but instead of being consistent like his son and I were , he gave up at first attempt .. Way to go .. dumb ass . That day was hard , but for that woman I would do it again in a heart beat ! She is amazing <3
(If any of her kin reads this just know , YES I do mean you when I say all these hateful ass things , No I wont regret and I don't care how it makes you feel , and YOU should all be ashamed of yourselves ! GROW THE FUCK UP ! Be grown ! Stop making your Grandma/Mom live your life for you , cause guess what ..? When she's gone there will be no one left to give a fuck about you the way she does)
Breaking Point ...
Have you ever gotten to that point of no return ..? Where you can't seem to catch a break ? There's no light in your sight and you just wish you could crawl in a hole and be alone where the world can't hurt you anymore ? That is me today .. Let me just go over the list for you real quick ..
I was half way between consciousness this morning (just enough to feel but couldn't get myself to wake up or move) with the worst chest pains I have ever felt .. Subconsciously I knew if I just rolled onto my side instead of my back it would stop hurting .. but I couldn't make myself move . Finally falling back into my subconscious , I had a terrible dream that I got told that I argue too much and I was potentially going to kicked out of my house , when I did was put my opinion into what I thought was an open convo .. To which I responded "you wouldn't be the first or the last person to give up on me and leave me stranded"..
Got woken up at 9:30am by my grandmother who has been desperately trying to help improve our situation ... FROM GEORGIA .. She told me that she just talked to a lady who wants to get my mom a job asap , but she couldn't get my mom to answer .. FUCKING SHOCKER .. I've been telling her for months to take her phone off of silent .. but no .. I called and texted my mother with the info .. Then I received another phone call omw to the shower from the main office of my eye doctor . I had an appt set up for the 1st , which they have been spamming my text and email inbox with about 4 reminders per day ! The lady tells me that I must have new insurance because the one I had last year shows up as "inactive" , so , yet again , I had to explain my fucked up insurance situation to another dr ... I informed her that Welfare is convinced that I am still covered under Operating Engineers , which I haven't had coverage for in over 4 years or more.. That the only insurance I have is Health Net MediCal .. She then tells me "Well , even if that is the case , that insurance doesn't cover you until next year .. sooo . what do you want to do about it..?" BITCH CANCEL IT . The fact that I just had to admit to you I'm no welfare means I have no fucking money for an optometry visit that YOUR office thinks is necessary to do annually .. I texted my mother infuriated by the news cause I had cancelled my weekend plans for this appt , trying to do the responsible thing .. At which time she tells me she STILL hasn't contacted her mother , which I told her was urgent at 9:30 am ... It was 1 in the afternoon . I flipped my lid and cussed her out because every time I talk to her she bitches endlessly about needing a job, wanting to work, searching for work, being broke, about to be homeless , but the two times I put my time and effort into trying to fix her situation , THAT SHE PUT HERSELF IN , she acts like I don't know what the fuck life is and that she has it all figured out . Well you know what then mom , fuck you . Do this by yourself .. I'm done feeling sorry for you when you can't even hear me out one fucking time .
Think this is the end ? Ohh no , Im not even half way . On Monday , my boyfriends fantastic grandmother had a fall and had to go to the ER for stitches .. She demanded that she was fine , but we knew better . She tore the palm of her hand all the way to the bone , lost blood , and had to get 6 stitches and a small soft-gauze cast . Even with half a hand , a numb one at that, she demanded to drive but I wouldn't let it happen .. I spent all day being Nana , so she could have a break (I will write the details to that day in another post) Even after busting my ass all day , and not eating once til about 7 pm , I did homework so I wouldn't fall behind . I ended up not feeling well tues , so I didn't go in . I was determined to have 2 Latin history , 1 geometry and 1 personal finance done by today .. AND I DID !! I got to school .. I forgot my BOTH Latin packets .. Failed my geometry test and worked with probably the WORST tutor I have ever met in my life .. I had to run out of the center before I cried my eyes out in front of the whole school , so I did it out side of tower mart .. Now that I'm home I have to take all of our clothes down to the laundry mat cause the dryer broke last night ...
So yeah .. The next person to tell me "calm down" or "its your fault" or "youre making it worse" is getting socked in the fucking face
I was half way between consciousness this morning (just enough to feel but couldn't get myself to wake up or move) with the worst chest pains I have ever felt .. Subconsciously I knew if I just rolled onto my side instead of my back it would stop hurting .. but I couldn't make myself move . Finally falling back into my subconscious , I had a terrible dream that I got told that I argue too much and I was potentially going to kicked out of my house , when I did was put my opinion into what I thought was an open convo .. To which I responded "you wouldn't be the first or the last person to give up on me and leave me stranded"..
Got woken up at 9:30am by my grandmother who has been desperately trying to help improve our situation ... FROM GEORGIA .. She told me that she just talked to a lady who wants to get my mom a job asap , but she couldn't get my mom to answer .. FUCKING SHOCKER .. I've been telling her for months to take her phone off of silent .. but no .. I called and texted my mother with the info .. Then I received another phone call omw to the shower from the main office of my eye doctor . I had an appt set up for the 1st , which they have been spamming my text and email inbox with about 4 reminders per day ! The lady tells me that I must have new insurance because the one I had last year shows up as "inactive" , so , yet again , I had to explain my fucked up insurance situation to another dr ... I informed her that Welfare is convinced that I am still covered under Operating Engineers , which I haven't had coverage for in over 4 years or more.. That the only insurance I have is Health Net MediCal .. She then tells me "Well , even if that is the case , that insurance doesn't cover you until next year .. sooo . what do you want to do about it..?" BITCH CANCEL IT . The fact that I just had to admit to you I'm no welfare means I have no fucking money for an optometry visit that YOUR office thinks is necessary to do annually .. I texted my mother infuriated by the news cause I had cancelled my weekend plans for this appt , trying to do the responsible thing .. At which time she tells me she STILL hasn't contacted her mother , which I told her was urgent at 9:30 am ... It was 1 in the afternoon . I flipped my lid and cussed her out because every time I talk to her she bitches endlessly about needing a job, wanting to work, searching for work, being broke, about to be homeless , but the two times I put my time and effort into trying to fix her situation , THAT SHE PUT HERSELF IN , she acts like I don't know what the fuck life is and that she has it all figured out . Well you know what then mom , fuck you . Do this by yourself .. I'm done feeling sorry for you when you can't even hear me out one fucking time .
Think this is the end ? Ohh no , Im not even half way . On Monday , my boyfriends fantastic grandmother had a fall and had to go to the ER for stitches .. She demanded that she was fine , but we knew better . She tore the palm of her hand all the way to the bone , lost blood , and had to get 6 stitches and a small soft-gauze cast . Even with half a hand , a numb one at that, she demanded to drive but I wouldn't let it happen .. I spent all day being Nana , so she could have a break (I will write the details to that day in another post) Even after busting my ass all day , and not eating once til about 7 pm , I did homework so I wouldn't fall behind . I ended up not feeling well tues , so I didn't go in . I was determined to have 2 Latin history , 1 geometry and 1 personal finance done by today .. AND I DID !! I got to school .. I forgot my BOTH Latin packets .. Failed my geometry test and worked with probably the WORST tutor I have ever met in my life .. I had to run out of the center before I cried my eyes out in front of the whole school , so I did it out side of tower mart .. Now that I'm home I have to take all of our clothes down to the laundry mat cause the dryer broke last night ...
So yeah .. The next person to tell me "calm down" or "its your fault" or "youre making it worse" is getting socked in the fucking face
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Reflecting ..
A time of loss seems to always be a time of reflection . We always get so caught up in our selves , in our own lives and our ways , that we take life for granted , we don't understand that in one eighteenth of a second , we could cease to exist .. It's sad that it has to come to that to make us realize that .. But loss also comes with regret , which is due to a lack of reflection prior to life altering events .. Tonight , we lost a great man fighting for his life .. And it made me think of my grandfather .. They were similar in a lot of ways .. I cried because it was sad , and I cried because I remember the pain I felt the day my grandfather died .. That man was my very best friend .. I feel terrible to have to watch these people I love and care for so much have to hurt like this , and I truly wish I could take the pain away ..
Along with my reflection I realized , even the family I don't choose to talk to or interact with , I would still hate to see go . If by chance any of them read what I post .. I do want them to know , I do love them , and I do think about them , and although I am not ready to persue relationships with them at this time , due to how our relationships with one another ended , I want them to know that if they die on me , I'm killing them when I find out ..<3 Yes , I do in fact mean my fathers' family .. We have our problems and differences , and we all have heads harded that titanium ... But they are forever in my heart ..
I wish that people didn't have to die .. forever . That they could just go to , more or less , a different country or different planet .. where we could write or call once a year just remember and communicate , and that we could join them when our time is up and be a family again .. Like Justin Moore said .. "if heaven wasn't so far away.."
This blog post is short , cause my brain scatters a bit when I cry .. But yeah .. Even if you have that one family member or friend that does nothing but get under your skin and make you cuss .... Let them know you still love them , cause you never know when the last time you will be able to do that is .. <3
Along with my reflection I realized , even the family I don't choose to talk to or interact with , I would still hate to see go . If by chance any of them read what I post .. I do want them to know , I do love them , and I do think about them , and although I am not ready to persue relationships with them at this time , due to how our relationships with one another ended , I want them to know that if they die on me , I'm killing them when I find out ..<3 Yes , I do in fact mean my fathers' family .. We have our problems and differences , and we all have heads harded that titanium ... But they are forever in my heart ..
I wish that people didn't have to die .. forever . That they could just go to , more or less , a different country or different planet .. where we could write or call once a year just remember and communicate , and that we could join them when our time is up and be a family again .. Like Justin Moore said .. "if heaven wasn't so far away.."
This blog post is short , cause my brain scatters a bit when I cry .. But yeah .. Even if you have that one family member or friend that does nothing but get under your skin and make you cuss .... Let them know you still love them , cause you never know when the last time you will be able to do that is .. <3
Friday, January 17, 2014
Avoiding Kaiser Roseville !!
Every one has that one hospital that has awful service, or that crazy aunt Susan swears killed her husband, or that just over all gives off a bad vibe .. But over and over again I am being given reasons to HATE Kaiser Roseville !! If any of you reading this work their could you kindly stop being such stuck up , uneducated pieces of shit please ?!?!?
So a little over a year ago , my sister and I went there . She was having slight abdominal pain , and believed she was lactating from her left breast , on top of just generally feeling weird all week , so we took her in. We were sent to the back in no time flat , the issue was , they put us in a room and just left us there for about 2 hours. Not a single staff member there bothered to come into our room even just to make sure we were planning on leaving. After those 2 hours , the doctor checked all the regular vitals , pushed on her stomach to gauge for pain , and checked for lactation . He ordered an ultra sound then left . We sat for an additional 45 minutes . At this point my sisters 1 year old daughter was exhausted and screaming . All she wanted was to be held , and to sleep .. Not to mention she was battling some things of her own . At the time the poor thing had pink eye , but it had passed it's contagious stage and she had already been prescribed eye drops by our AMAZING primary nurse practitioner , Mia , at Sacramento Family Medical Center (this lady is PERFECT you guys , seriously <3)
Any how , the lady doing the ultrasound took a strong liking to my niece , until finding out about the pink eye , she then proceeded to freak out like it was the grossest most contagious thing to ever be in the hospital .. Bitch you are an ER doctor , weird shit comes thru EVERY DAY ..
Fast forward to Christmas eve of 2013 , and my father in laws dad went to the ER . Said he felt sick and they were gonna keep him over night for observation .. Days and days and days go by .. Nothing , they just keep saying "it's pneumonia LIKE" , because they couldn't identify what exactly it was , they just knew therre was some sort of liquid crowding his lungs . To this very moment as I write , this poor man is STILL in the hospital . He was moved to ICU not long after being in the ER and has been there since .. He is intubated , in a medically induced coma , on a robotic bed to turn him ( as to not attract bed sores ) And they JUST found out 2 days ago that the poor man has had H1N1 this whole time .
If you think all that is bad , I'm not done . Due to the fact they didn't know what was wrong with him at first , they required visitors to mask , when they couldn't find anything wrong that could be directly contagious , they stopped requiring the mask .. My father in law went to see his dad damn near every day with NO mask .. So guess what he brought home ? Yes , the sickness I wrote of in my last post happened because KAISER ROSEVILLE does not follow decent proceedure . Thank god most of us had our Flu shots this season and him and the baby didn't get it NEARLY as bad as grandpa ..
So if you would .. Please keep Mr. Westbrook in your families prayers .. We definitely need it , because we got an urgent call from his wife saying that his kids needed to come and see him immediately .. And If you get sick DONT GO TO KAISER !!
So a little over a year ago , my sister and I went there . She was having slight abdominal pain , and believed she was lactating from her left breast , on top of just generally feeling weird all week , so we took her in. We were sent to the back in no time flat , the issue was , they put us in a room and just left us there for about 2 hours. Not a single staff member there bothered to come into our room even just to make sure we were planning on leaving. After those 2 hours , the doctor checked all the regular vitals , pushed on her stomach to gauge for pain , and checked for lactation . He ordered an ultra sound then left . We sat for an additional 45 minutes . At this point my sisters 1 year old daughter was exhausted and screaming . All she wanted was to be held , and to sleep .. Not to mention she was battling some things of her own . At the time the poor thing had pink eye , but it had passed it's contagious stage and she had already been prescribed eye drops by our AMAZING primary nurse practitioner , Mia , at Sacramento Family Medical Center (this lady is PERFECT you guys , seriously <3)
Any how , the lady doing the ultrasound took a strong liking to my niece , until finding out about the pink eye , she then proceeded to freak out like it was the grossest most contagious thing to ever be in the hospital .. Bitch you are an ER doctor , weird shit comes thru EVERY DAY ..
Fast forward to Christmas eve of 2013 , and my father in laws dad went to the ER . Said he felt sick and they were gonna keep him over night for observation .. Days and days and days go by .. Nothing , they just keep saying "it's pneumonia LIKE" , because they couldn't identify what exactly it was , they just knew therre was some sort of liquid crowding his lungs . To this very moment as I write , this poor man is STILL in the hospital . He was moved to ICU not long after being in the ER and has been there since .. He is intubated , in a medically induced coma , on a robotic bed to turn him ( as to not attract bed sores ) And they JUST found out 2 days ago that the poor man has had H1N1 this whole time .
If you think all that is bad , I'm not done . Due to the fact they didn't know what was wrong with him at first , they required visitors to mask , when they couldn't find anything wrong that could be directly contagious , they stopped requiring the mask .. My father in law went to see his dad damn near every day with NO mask .. So guess what he brought home ? Yes , the sickness I wrote of in my last post happened because KAISER ROSEVILLE does not follow decent proceedure . Thank god most of us had our Flu shots this season and him and the baby didn't get it NEARLY as bad as grandpa ..
So if you would .. Please keep Mr. Westbrook in your families prayers .. We definitely need it , because we got an urgent call from his wife saying that his kids needed to come and see him immediately .. And If you get sick DONT GO TO KAISER !!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Senior In Need !
Okay so, I don't want to be ranty or whiney, I don't want to come off entitled or give you some sob story.. But I do need help.
As any one who reads my blogs knows, I lost my home around halloween time, I had spent from August, til then looking for work to try and avoid losing my home , but I guess it just wasn't meant to be... I packed my things after the landlord asked us to leave, and I moved in with my boyfriends family . I am thankful that they had space for me and were willing to take me on , although I knew the transition would not be easy. School became harder , and making plans became harder because I used to just share a car with my mom , and now I didn't have a car I could drive and both of his parents work . Recently , as some in our household became sick , transportation has gotten increasingly more difficult , and I am unsure of when things will change ..
As some of you also know , I have a psychotic and almost inbearable couple of family members on the paternal side .. My great grandmother was sweet enough to put away $100 savings bonds for each of us kids.. but because my cousins' parents spent their kids' money or let the kids spend it prior to being 18 , my grandmother began not to trust the adults in the family and rather than putting my bonds in a bank , she kept them in her dresser and told me she would personally hand them to me the day I turned 18 .. Unfortunately my amazing GG past away June of 2012 .. RIP . My grandmother and I, the father's day following her mother's death, got into an insane arguement over facebook in which she tried to imply that I was a terrible kid for not posting about my dad that day (even though he didnt get on FB) and that my mom was a "lying crazy person" and a "prostitute".. When I proceeded to tell her that I was going to take my mother and fathers word about their relationship over hers, she became fucking furious and went nuts on me.. So I discontinued contact .. Of coarse now , who would be left the house but her ... and I can't acquire my bonds ..
Sad part #2 .. My aunt has a nice used car of hers that her husband poored $6,000+ into , that she is willing to sell me for $1,000 flat .. And I can't get it . I know it's a lot to ask to suggest that strangers fund my life .. But I'm at the end of my rope here .. I busted my ass for months to get a job .. Applied every where I could either walk to of take RT to , but no one responded , I showed up to a lot of places and still nothing , If you look on my facebook account and portfolio page , you will see that I have been actively trying to get hair clients to make money , and I have been posting tons of pictures , and I haven't recieved any clients ..
I got my license in June , and I feel like I could be so much more helpful and useful to this household if I was mobile ..
It's hard enough being separated from my mom , trying to finish high school , and trying to find a job , while trying to plan my life after graduation , making plans for college and my career .. I need just need one glimmer of hope .. Please , even if you can't donate , share it every where you can ? To try and spread the word .. It would be insanely and greatly appreciated <33
(if you are going to donate , my mom and I have an account on GoFundMe.com) ..http://www.gofundme.com/50sotw
As any one who reads my blogs knows, I lost my home around halloween time, I had spent from August, til then looking for work to try and avoid losing my home , but I guess it just wasn't meant to be... I packed my things after the landlord asked us to leave, and I moved in with my boyfriends family . I am thankful that they had space for me and were willing to take me on , although I knew the transition would not be easy. School became harder , and making plans became harder because I used to just share a car with my mom , and now I didn't have a car I could drive and both of his parents work . Recently , as some in our household became sick , transportation has gotten increasingly more difficult , and I am unsure of when things will change ..
As some of you also know , I have a psychotic and almost inbearable couple of family members on the paternal side .. My great grandmother was sweet enough to put away $100 savings bonds for each of us kids.. but because my cousins' parents spent their kids' money or let the kids spend it prior to being 18 , my grandmother began not to trust the adults in the family and rather than putting my bonds in a bank , she kept them in her dresser and told me she would personally hand them to me the day I turned 18 .. Unfortunately my amazing GG past away June of 2012 .. RIP . My grandmother and I, the father's day following her mother's death, got into an insane arguement over facebook in which she tried to imply that I was a terrible kid for not posting about my dad that day (even though he didnt get on FB) and that my mom was a "lying crazy person" and a "prostitute".. When I proceeded to tell her that I was going to take my mother and fathers word about their relationship over hers, she became fucking furious and went nuts on me.. So I discontinued contact .. Of coarse now , who would be left the house but her ... and I can't acquire my bonds ..
Sad part #2 .. My aunt has a nice used car of hers that her husband poored $6,000+ into , that she is willing to sell me for $1,000 flat .. And I can't get it . I know it's a lot to ask to suggest that strangers fund my life .. But I'm at the end of my rope here .. I busted my ass for months to get a job .. Applied every where I could either walk to of take RT to , but no one responded , I showed up to a lot of places and still nothing , If you look on my facebook account and portfolio page , you will see that I have been actively trying to get hair clients to make money , and I have been posting tons of pictures , and I haven't recieved any clients ..
I got my license in June , and I feel like I could be so much more helpful and useful to this household if I was mobile ..
It's hard enough being separated from my mom , trying to finish high school , and trying to find a job , while trying to plan my life after graduation , making plans for college and my career .. I need just need one glimmer of hope .. Please , even if you can't donate , share it every where you can ? To try and spread the word .. It would be insanely and greatly appreciated <33
(if you are going to donate , my mom and I have an account on GoFundMe.com) ..http://www.gofundme.com/50sotw
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