Have you ever ..

Have you ever been scared out of your mind , for something that has nothing to do with you ?
Something that couldn't have LESS to do with you ..
Well , I have ... ermm ... am . I found out Saturday my sister had to get surgery .. She has an infection and an impassable kidney stone .. So they had to put a stick into her tubes to allow the liquid to still pass , and once the infection is gone she has to get surgery to have the stone broken up so it can pass ..
The hospital is calling this 'minor surgery' .. Now of coarse , compared to something like open heart surgery .. yeah , pretty minor .. But they don't know my sister and her history .. My sister has had more surgeries in her life than a woman of only 22 should have had to endure , and they started when she was 7 .. She was in a terrible house fire , burned from head to toe . She had to have surgery , skin graphs , and a blood transfusion . Since then he has also had surgery to remove some of the skin on her pinkie finger , cause they over graphed it .. and she has had a cesarean section for both of her beautiful daughters . However , the first C-section ... was not by choice .. She got toxiemia 5 weeks before the babies due date and had to have an emergency C-sectionv, for the well being of her and her daughter . This surgery left the baby in the NICU , and my sister needing a blood transfusion .. again . I am not very religious .. but i prayed every day she would be okay ..
My sister is strong , opionionated , fiesty , happy , couragious , and crazy .. but will power , it just can't fight against medical statistics .. This surgery has me scared shittless , I wish I could walk with her every step of the way ..
Ashley has always been my best friend , and I know she'll make it through cause she always does .. I just wish we could skip over it actually happening , for her sake more than anything .. I can tell she is scared and in pain even though she keeps a straight face .. I know my sister . A small part of her is saying 'Common , this aint your first rodeo !' And every other part is screaming 'What will happen to your girls?' 'How will my husband take it?' 'Is this going to hurt?' 'I know this aint my first rodeo .. but could it be my last..?'

Well Ashley , I'm here to tell you that this is not your last rodeo sister ! We are all here for you every step of the way , and we love you to pieces .
And for the record if anything happens to you over the course of the girl's life time , I have no problem being super auntie and helping out , after all having Nessa here that week was soo much fun ! (:
I love you sissy , you're strong and amazing .. You can do this .
-Nelle♥

Pain .. The silent murderer .

In advanced , I'm sorry for not posting in a while .. It's been an interesting month and a half (x

Pain .. Pain is something every one has to endure at some point in their lives . Whether it be physical , emotional , fictional , pain is real and causes people to do weird , crazy things some times .
Yesterday I found out that my sister's , Ashley and Sara .. Their dad's super close friend committed suicide . They said it broke their daddy's heart to hear the news , this man was practically.. no he was family to them , and he took his life . You have to be in a lot of pain to think that suicide is your best option . This poor man .. I could only imagine what he must've been feeling when he pulled that trigger ..
Guys , suicide is never the answer .. Even when it seems like it is the only option .. it's not . And just because you think no one will miss you or notice .. doesn't mean they wont . Even if just one person cares , the heart of that person is shattered forever , knowing some one they loved and cared for is now gone forever .
I know pain is real , and it puts crazy thoughts through your head .. To be completely honest , I thought suicide was the way .. a few times .. Now I never acually had the balls to try .. but I would contenplate every day .. "Who would really miss me?" "Who would notice first?" "Who even gives a shit?!" These thoughts ran through my head every day for almost an entire year .. And  never expressed that to any one until now .
I used to self harm in JR High . My closest two friends and I used to cut ourselves , burn our selves , give our selves eraser burns .. I am so lucky to be able to STILL call those girls my best friends .. Thank God we never took it too far or hit a vein on accident .. Cause I may not even be here to right this . I am so greatful for my sister Ashley , though . She , and her mom who I love so dearly , talked me out of this insanity before it got out of hand . My sister went down that road when I was much younger and I told our parents and got her help .. She told me it was only right if she did the same for me . Knowing that even just those two people cared .. helped me understand I was making a huge mistake , and that I could've killed myself and not even known it ..
I hope that anyone who is or was considering self harm of any kind (suicide included) that this helped you see , there's a better way .. You will be missed , you are loved , and even though life is shit right now ... It does eventually get better .. It takes time , but no rain storm comes with out a rainbow on it' ass ;)
-Nelle♥
P.s.
A special shout out to Sara , David and Ashley ... You guys are amazing and strong indiviuals ..
And Rest peacefully Timmy Jones , gone , but never forgotten from the hearts that heald you close .