Home ..

When is home not ... 'Home' anymore ..?
Isn't the saying , 'home is where the heart is , if your heart is there .. its home.' ?
So , if there is so much pain in your house you feel like you have no heart when you're in it .. isn't that a reason to leave ?
I find it a constant struggle .. I can't even be in my house for any period of time with out crying . There's so many bad memories here ... So many failed attempts , it's a useless battle . I have lived with my mom my entire life .. My dad comes and goes on a whim .. Our story is long and complicated .. But the story with my mother is no more simple .. it could take me possibly 6 posts EACH to explain my situation with either parent .. However , neither one of those relationships are good , and to me they are both lost causes .
When I'm in this house , I feel alone .. abused .. unwanted , unloved , neglected , misunderstood . Even worse , I KNOW that she doesn't care .. My only way out is to graduate ... once I do that she has no reason to keep me here .. I refuse to stay here after that day .. but for as fast as this year has flown by already , it's not fast enough .. All I want is to get out .
My boyfriends' family takes care of me . His mom's best friend from high school took me to the hospital a while back .. I had no clue where my mom was or when she would be back , and it took me and hour to get ahold of her just to tell her i was going in . Unlike any other parent who SHOULD HAVE come up to the hospital to relieve this woman of being there , she continued with her plans , then went to bed before I even found out what was wrong with me ..
If it was my kid .. They would have known where I was , what I was doing , and what time I intended on being home . My phone would've been on me , and when my kid says 'Im in the ER' I would have dropped EVERYTHING , and drove my ass to the hospital where I belonged ..
But here's the funny thing .. She gets offended by the amount of time I spend with his family and how much they do for me and care for me.. She says she feels as if they want to adopt me in cause they feel like I'm under-cared for here .. News flash . I am ! And that is how they feel .. at least they feel something ! I feel as though my mom just doesn't give a shit any more .. I get blamed for our relationship falling apart , i got blamed for our finances being crap , you name it .. Then I get grounded for spending too much time over there and not communicating with her .. When , get this , I spent 2 hours the day before on the phone with her and every one else under the sun trying to get some one to fix her blown tire because SHE didn't put her big girl panties on and text/call these people herself ...
I don't know .. To me , if some one is truly miserable to the point to where they tear up just having to walk through the thresh-hold of their own damn house ... They should leave , and they should be allowed that option .
-Nelle♥

Pain .. The silent murderer .

In advanced , I'm sorry for not posting in a while .. It's been an interesting month and a half (x

Pain .. Pain is something every one has to endure at some point in their lives . Whether it be physical , emotional , fictional , pain is real and causes people to do weird , crazy things some times .
Yesterday I found out that my sister's , Ashley and Sara .. Their dad's super close friend committed suicide . They said it broke their daddy's heart to hear the news , this man was practically.. no he was family to them , and he took his life . You have to be in a lot of pain to think that suicide is your best option . This poor man .. I could only imagine what he must've been feeling when he pulled that trigger ..
Guys , suicide is never the answer .. Even when it seems like it is the only option .. it's not . And just because you think no one will miss you or notice .. doesn't mean they wont . Even if just one person cares , the heart of that person is shattered forever , knowing some one they loved and cared for is now gone forever .
I know pain is real , and it puts crazy thoughts through your head .. To be completely honest , I thought suicide was the way .. a few times .. Now I never acually had the balls to try .. but I would contenplate every day .. "Who would really miss me?" "Who would notice first?" "Who even gives a shit?!" These thoughts ran through my head every day for almost an entire year .. And  never expressed that to any one until now .
I used to self harm in JR High . My closest two friends and I used to cut ourselves , burn our selves , give our selves eraser burns .. I am so lucky to be able to STILL call those girls my best friends .. Thank God we never took it too far or hit a vein on accident .. Cause I may not even be here to right this . I am so greatful for my sister Ashley , though . She , and her mom who I love so dearly , talked me out of this insanity before it got out of hand . My sister went down that road when I was much younger and I told our parents and got her help .. She told me it was only right if she did the same for me . Knowing that even just those two people cared .. helped me understand I was making a huge mistake , and that I could've killed myself and not even known it ..
I hope that anyone who is or was considering self harm of any kind (suicide included) that this helped you see , there's a better way .. You will be missed , you are loved , and even though life is shit right now ... It does eventually get better .. It takes time , but no rain storm comes with out a rainbow on it' ass ;)
-Nelle♥
P.s.
A special shout out to Sara , David and Ashley ... You guys are amazing and strong indiviuals ..
And Rest peacefully Timmy Jones , gone , but never forgotten from the hearts that heald you close .

High School

Can every one just agree that high school is just a pain in the ass ? Between the work , the drama , relationships , earning independence , the responsibilities .. That's just the average , but every teen has their very own trials and tribulations to add to that . Some have abusive parents , some have no parents , some are battling weight issues , some being bullied , some raising their siblings , some raising their own kids .

 Believe it or not there are some kids who go through it all . For me , high school has been a series of horror stories . Freshman year , I started in Visions . I started off great , then last minute we got told we had to move in two weeks , less than a week before we had to be out our car broke down on the freeway and we had no transportation . We rented a U-Haul , got a storage , packed it as much as we could and put what wouldn't fit there into our useless car that sat in the parking lot of my moms school . We stayed in motels for about a week before we found a place to move into .
The day we looked at the place, not even 15 minutes before we met with the land lady , my school calls me telling me that they are scheduling an academic intervention because I haven't been doing my school work . Mind you , Visions is mostly electronic now , and the computer they gave me was sitting in a storage unit , 6 miles from our motel room . I decided then , they if they cant work with me under such circumstances , it wasn't even worth it .. And I stopped trying in school . Worst mistake of my life .
January of 2012 , I un-enrolled from Visions , and enrolled into Options . I walked in with 55 credits and a terrible disposition towards school in general . I am currently 84 credits away from graduating , and I've closed out every class I have taken in the past year with nothing less than a B- .
 The point behind this whole story is that high school is shit . It's hard , it's unpleasant , nobody wants to do it . But the rewarding feeling you get when you're almost to the end , makes the entire experience worth it in the end . Although I have never gone to public high school , I have still endured my fair share of drama and BS . Between family problems , former friendships , relationships .
Being homeschooled does not by any means make high school easier , you just get to wake up later is all . I hate to see kids give up on school . I grant you , I have thought about it a couple times , but I know now , that it would have been my biggest mistake , and my biggest regret . It's not easy and it's not fun , but it's a stepping stone to something much bigger .

 What people don't understand is that , our economy can't get any better unless we help it . What it needs is motivated young adults to get themselves through high school , and then through college , whether that be university , community , or vocational . To get in , get the tools they need to succeed and make their imprint on the world . I know to any one in high school , that seems far fetched and a long time from now , but it really isn't ! Our future is right around the corner , we just have to be will to make the turn <3
Nelle ♥