Home ..

When is home not ... 'Home' anymore ..?
Isn't the saying , 'home is where the heart is , if your heart is there .. its home.' ?
So , if there is so much pain in your house you feel like you have no heart when you're in it .. isn't that a reason to leave ?
I find it a constant struggle .. I can't even be in my house for any period of time with out crying . There's so many bad memories here ... So many failed attempts , it's a useless battle . I have lived with my mom my entire life .. My dad comes and goes on a whim .. Our story is long and complicated .. But the story with my mother is no more simple .. it could take me possibly 6 posts EACH to explain my situation with either parent .. However , neither one of those relationships are good , and to me they are both lost causes .
When I'm in this house , I feel alone .. abused .. unwanted , unloved , neglected , misunderstood . Even worse , I KNOW that she doesn't care .. My only way out is to graduate ... once I do that she has no reason to keep me here .. I refuse to stay here after that day .. but for as fast as this year has flown by already , it's not fast enough .. All I want is to get out .
My boyfriends' family takes care of me . His mom's best friend from high school took me to the hospital a while back .. I had no clue where my mom was or when she would be back , and it took me and hour to get ahold of her just to tell her i was going in . Unlike any other parent who SHOULD HAVE come up to the hospital to relieve this woman of being there , she continued with her plans , then went to bed before I even found out what was wrong with me ..
If it was my kid .. They would have known where I was , what I was doing , and what time I intended on being home . My phone would've been on me , and when my kid says 'Im in the ER' I would have dropped EVERYTHING , and drove my ass to the hospital where I belonged ..
But here's the funny thing .. She gets offended by the amount of time I spend with his family and how much they do for me and care for me.. She says she feels as if they want to adopt me in cause they feel like I'm under-cared for here .. News flash . I am ! And that is how they feel .. at least they feel something ! I feel as though my mom just doesn't give a shit any more .. I get blamed for our relationship falling apart , i got blamed for our finances being crap , you name it .. Then I get grounded for spending too much time over there and not communicating with her .. When , get this , I spent 2 hours the day before on the phone with her and every one else under the sun trying to get some one to fix her blown tire because SHE didn't put her big girl panties on and text/call these people herself ...
I don't know .. To me , if some one is truly miserable to the point to where they tear up just having to walk through the thresh-hold of their own damn house ... They should leave , and they should be allowed that option .
-Nelle♥