Running in place , standing in circles ..

My whole life has been a series of problems and hardship . I can't remember the last time I was able to just sit back and be a kid , ignore all the grown up bull shit . I have always been the type to want to help and be involved , but was always told that I am a just a child so I don't know enough to be useful . So I got to sit back , and have not just a front row seat , but a leading role in the destruction of my own life , while being told that I don't know anything , or that I shouldn't even have the information that I have . Years and years and years this was my life . Now , here I am .. 7 months and 9 days from being a grown woman , and my life is already fallen apart . Due to decisions that I didn't make , that I didn't get a say in or even an opinion on , and now I am stuck , with no way out really .. That's where my title comes from . Yes I know it's supposed to be "standing in place" and "running in circles" but I think the backwards version fits me better . Because not only am I stuck in a cycle , but everything I am doing , being told , or being told to do , makes no god damned sense . I know every one says that you have power over your own life .. Mmm , under 18 with nothing yet going for you , you really don't . When I was 16 I got my first job . I was so excited , until my manager wouldn't take the time to train me , one of my co-workers was trying to train me , do her job , AND my managers job at the same time , and no body else pitched in to help her , they all did their own thing and clocked out . I couldn't handle the stress of being yelled at for not knowing how to do a job no one taught me .. so I quit . I was young , naive , I have always been super sensitive , and I was just as mad at myself for not doing it right as my boss was .. But now it's just a hindrance , cause I can't use it as a reference cause he thinks I'm an idiot , and w/o some sort of job experiance , no one wants to hire me ..
I was steady job searching from mid Aug , until about 2 weeks ago . Every day or so I applied some where else , all the applications that timed out I re did .. I made it a point to talk to the managers face to face , to call w/in 2 weeks of submitting an app .. I did everything they say you are supposed to do to show employers that you're serious and committed and still .. NOTHING .. So tell me how I am supposed to get myself out of a rut that I didn't dig , tried to climb out of , and have no dirt to refill it with ?
Why can't adult accept that they aren't always right ? They don't know best at least 30% of the time , and just because my age doesn't have a 1 and an 8 in it , doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about ?
It's not fair that parents can so easily ruin their kids' life , and they can't do shit about it . Your kids after about age 15/16 , DESERVE the right to make some if not most of their own decisions cause bottom line , you don't have to live with our fuck ups , but we might have to live forever with yours .

Home ..

When is home not ... 'Home' anymore ..?
Isn't the saying , 'home is where the heart is , if your heart is there .. its home.' ?
So , if there is so much pain in your house you feel like you have no heart when you're in it .. isn't that a reason to leave ?
I find it a constant struggle .. I can't even be in my house for any period of time with out crying . There's so many bad memories here ... So many failed attempts , it's a useless battle . I have lived with my mom my entire life .. My dad comes and goes on a whim .. Our story is long and complicated .. But the story with my mother is no more simple .. it could take me possibly 6 posts EACH to explain my situation with either parent .. However , neither one of those relationships are good , and to me they are both lost causes .
When I'm in this house , I feel alone .. abused .. unwanted , unloved , neglected , misunderstood . Even worse , I KNOW that she doesn't care .. My only way out is to graduate ... once I do that she has no reason to keep me here .. I refuse to stay here after that day .. but for as fast as this year has flown by already , it's not fast enough .. All I want is to get out .
My boyfriends' family takes care of me . His mom's best friend from high school took me to the hospital a while back .. I had no clue where my mom was or when she would be back , and it took me and hour to get ahold of her just to tell her i was going in . Unlike any other parent who SHOULD HAVE come up to the hospital to relieve this woman of being there , she continued with her plans , then went to bed before I even found out what was wrong with me ..
If it was my kid .. They would have known where I was , what I was doing , and what time I intended on being home . My phone would've been on me , and when my kid says 'Im in the ER' I would have dropped EVERYTHING , and drove my ass to the hospital where I belonged ..
But here's the funny thing .. She gets offended by the amount of time I spend with his family and how much they do for me and care for me.. She says she feels as if they want to adopt me in cause they feel like I'm under-cared for here .. News flash . I am ! And that is how they feel .. at least they feel something ! I feel as though my mom just doesn't give a shit any more .. I get blamed for our relationship falling apart , i got blamed for our finances being crap , you name it .. Then I get grounded for spending too much time over there and not communicating with her .. When , get this , I spent 2 hours the day before on the phone with her and every one else under the sun trying to get some one to fix her blown tire because SHE didn't put her big girl panties on and text/call these people herself ...
I don't know .. To me , if some one is truly miserable to the point to where they tear up just having to walk through the thresh-hold of their own damn house ... They should leave , and they should be allowed that option .
-Nelle♥