Running in place , standing in circles ..

My whole life has been a series of problems and hardship . I can't remember the last time I was able to just sit back and be a kid , ignore all the grown up bull shit . I have always been the type to want to help and be involved , but was always told that I am a just a child so I don't know enough to be useful . So I got to sit back , and have not just a front row seat , but a leading role in the destruction of my own life , while being told that I don't know anything , or that I shouldn't even have the information that I have . Years and years and years this was my life . Now , here I am .. 7 months and 9 days from being a grown woman , and my life is already fallen apart . Due to decisions that I didn't make , that I didn't get a say in or even an opinion on , and now I am stuck , with no way out really .. That's where my title comes from . Yes I know it's supposed to be "standing in place" and "running in circles" but I think the backwards version fits me better . Because not only am I stuck in a cycle , but everything I am doing , being told , or being told to do , makes no god damned sense . I know every one says that you have power over your own life .. Mmm , under 18 with nothing yet going for you , you really don't . When I was 16 I got my first job . I was so excited , until my manager wouldn't take the time to train me , one of my co-workers was trying to train me , do her job , AND my managers job at the same time , and no body else pitched in to help her , they all did their own thing and clocked out . I couldn't handle the stress of being yelled at for not knowing how to do a job no one taught me .. so I quit . I was young , naive , I have always been super sensitive , and I was just as mad at myself for not doing it right as my boss was .. But now it's just a hindrance , cause I can't use it as a reference cause he thinks I'm an idiot , and w/o some sort of job experiance , no one wants to hire me ..
I was steady job searching from mid Aug , until about 2 weeks ago . Every day or so I applied some where else , all the applications that timed out I re did .. I made it a point to talk to the managers face to face , to call w/in 2 weeks of submitting an app .. I did everything they say you are supposed to do to show employers that you're serious and committed and still .. NOTHING .. So tell me how I am supposed to get myself out of a rut that I didn't dig , tried to climb out of , and have no dirt to refill it with ?
Why can't adult accept that they aren't always right ? They don't know best at least 30% of the time , and just because my age doesn't have a 1 and an 8 in it , doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about ?
It's not fair that parents can so easily ruin their kids' life , and they can't do shit about it . Your kids after about age 15/16 , DESERVE the right to make some if not most of their own decisions cause bottom line , you don't have to live with our fuck ups , but we might have to live forever with yours .

Breaking Point ...

Have you ever gotten to that point of no return ..? Where you can't seem to catch a break ? There's no light in your sight and you just wish you could crawl in a hole and be alone where the world can't hurt you anymore ? That is me today .. Let me just go over the list for you real quick ..
I was half way between consciousness this morning (just enough to feel but couldn't get myself to wake up or move) with the worst chest pains I have ever felt .. Subconsciously I knew if I just rolled onto my side instead of my back it would stop hurting .. but I couldn't make myself move . Finally falling back into my subconscious , I had a terrible dream that I got told that I argue too much and I was potentially going to kicked out of my house , when I did was put my opinion into what I thought was an open convo .. To which I responded "you wouldn't be the first or the last person to give up on me and leave me stranded"..
Got woken up at 9:30am by my grandmother who has been desperately trying to help improve our situation ... FROM GEORGIA .. She told me that she just talked to a lady who wants to get my mom a job asap , but she couldn't get my mom to answer .. FUCKING SHOCKER .. I've been telling her for months to take her phone off of silent .. but no .. I called and texted my mother with the info .. Then I received another phone call omw to the shower from the main office of my eye doctor . I had an appt set up for the 1st , which they have been spamming my text and email inbox with about 4 reminders per day ! The lady tells me that I must have new insurance because the one I had last year shows up as "inactive" , so , yet again , I had to explain my fucked up insurance situation to another dr ... I informed her that Welfare is convinced that I am still covered under Operating Engineers , which I haven't had coverage for in over 4 years or more.. That the only insurance I have is Health Net MediCal .. She then tells me "Well , even if that is the case , that insurance doesn't cover you until next year .. sooo . what do you want to do about it..?"  BITCH CANCEL IT . The fact that I just had to admit to you I'm no welfare means I have no fucking money for an optometry visit that YOUR office thinks is necessary to do annually .. I texted my mother infuriated by the news cause I had cancelled my weekend plans for this appt , trying to do the responsible thing .. At which time she tells me she STILL hasn't contacted her mother , which I told her was urgent at 9:30 am ... It was 1 in the afternoon . I flipped my lid and cussed her out because every time I talk to her she bitches endlessly about needing a job, wanting to work, searching for work, being broke, about to be homeless , but the two times I put my time and effort into trying to fix her situation , THAT SHE PUT HERSELF IN , she acts like I don't know what the fuck life is and that she has it all figured out . Well  you know what then mom , fuck you . Do this by yourself .. I'm done feeling sorry for you when you can't even hear me out one fucking time .
Think this is the end ? Ohh no , Im not even half way . On Monday , my boyfriends fantastic grandmother had a fall and had to go to the ER for stitches .. She demanded that she was fine , but we knew better . She tore the palm of her hand all the way to the bone , lost blood , and had to get 6 stitches and a small soft-gauze cast . Even with half a hand , a numb one at that, she demanded to drive but I wouldn't let it happen .. I spent all day being Nana , so she could have a break (I will write the details to that day in another post) Even after busting my ass all day , and not eating once til about 7 pm , I did homework so I wouldn't fall behind . I ended up not feeling well tues , so I didn't go in . I was determined to have 2 Latin history , 1 geometry and 1 personal finance done by today .. AND I DID !! I got to school .. I forgot my BOTH Latin packets .. Failed my geometry test and worked with probably the WORST tutor I have ever met in my life .. I had to run out of the center before I cried my eyes out in front of the whole school , so I did it out side of tower mart .. Now that I'm home I have to take all of our clothes down to the laundry mat cause the dryer broke last night ...
So yeah .. The next person to tell me "calm down" or "its your fault" or "youre making it worse" is getting socked in the fucking face