I just wanna talk .. But should I ?

Sometimes I find myself in one of those moods where you're just like "Fuck everything , and everyone...". I currently feel like this almost everyday of my life . I don't understand why everything is always such a big fucking deal all the time .. Life is too short to spend all your time worrying about the little shit . I am to this point where I will just say the first thing that pops in my head and rolls off of my tongue , and that's pretty dangerous for me ..
Like I woke up from a random mid-day nap to a text from my friend (female) and as the conversation continued I told her I don't trust any of my friends around my bf when I'm not around . I don't think that's healthy though .... Like honestly if you cant trust your friends ..? Idk , but the way it came out was wrong so she took it wrong .. Luckily we recovered before she went to bed , 5 minutes ago . But I can't help feeling like nothing I do is right . When I don't say exactly what's on my mind , like .. if I try to say it nicely , im 'beating around the bush' or 'sugar coating' it . If I say it the way it pops in my head , I'm a 'bitch' , 'rude' , some how I'm 'inconsiderate' of other peoples' feelings . Well then how tf' am I supposed to say it ?! Fuck ...
See , there is a common misconseption that perfection exists .. NEWS FLASH DUMB ASSES !! No one is , will be , or has ever been 'perfect' .. it DOES NOT exist .. So stop holding people up to this ridiculous standard .. Honestly , if you think perfection is necessary .. start with your self .. Show us all how 'perfect' you can get .. But keep in mind that perfection doesn't brag , so you literally have to show us , with actions .. NO words .. Imposible ? Thought so .. Shut the hell up ..
I'm just so sick of being 'wrong' every thing I do is wrong .. Always . Just for once I'd like to be told I did something right .. but then again , why do I care to be held to the standards of other people... ? Why..? Cause I have no fucking choice .. It seems like until I'm 18 everything I do is EVERY single persons business , and conveniently .... they all think I'm wrong , but since they all think I'm wrong for different reasons , then they fight each other on who's more right about how wrong I am ... Honestly ? Are you serious ..?
However ; this disillusion that becomin an adult will relive that pressure haunts me , cause I know it's exactly that ... a disillusion . Why ? Because even once you're grown people think that your life and your choices are their business and they will always find a reason to try and throw you off your path ..
Lesson of this rant .... Trust no-one but yourself .. Cause only you really care about you ..
-Nelle♥

Family , in the blood or the heart ? (Part 1)

    I wonder how people think about things , I always wonder what life is like from another person's perspective . It's physically impossible to ever get the chance to explore that idea , and simply asking isn't going to give you a perfect scenario of what they think , how they feel , how life affects them .
For the most part it is easy to tell when a person is sad or upset , but to really understand how they FEEL , it's damn near impossible ..
    That being said , I wonder how people feel about 'Family' . I only put quotes around it because some people feel very strongly that if you aren't blood , you aren't family . Other people normally accept others if they've been legally married into the family , but not a second before . I ; however , will adopt any one who has my time , devotion , and heart , and can prove to me that they love me and care about me for who I am as a person . Some one who I can cry to and rely on , someone who puts as much time and effort into the relationship as I do .
    I have 2 (possibly 3) biological half brothers .. Two of which I have never met . I NEVER say ; however , that I only have 2 siblings I say I have 6 . I am the middle of seven kids for about 9 years now . Although my step siblings are no longer legally bound to me , they tugged on my heart strings from day one , and my heart tied them to me . They have given me a wonderful step mother and 3 gorgeous nieces that I love and cherish like no other . They are truly amazing people , slightly crazy and dramatic , but they all have great hearts ♥
   I have also noticed they adopt close friends and married relatives into their lives as well .. Examples are , my eldest sisters boyfriend , my moms friends Matt and Mardelle and their girls . We are kinda crazy and really dysfunctional but we always have each others backs .

   My oldest sister , Nicci , she was a burn victim at age 7 . I admire her to
this day for her confidence and perseverance in life . She has two beautiful daughters that I love with all my heart , and she is a California girl with a down south attitude .

After her is my sister Noni . She is loud , bold , NEVER out spoken by anyone , proud , beautiful , and short .. very short Cx She gave me a gorgeous niece also who is just the cutest (loudest) little angel ever . She is very protective and loving and loves companionship .


My big bubba , Ty . He is soo colorful .. Sportin' the rainbow bitchezzz ;) He is other sister born with a penis . He is crazy , loud , fun , passionate , and well .. Gay , in both senses . He is quite a character , but he knows that in our family no one is gonna fuck with him , cause of who he fucks that don't fly .
My baby sister , Mimi , my star athlete ! This little girl , impossible to sleep next to ! But crazy not to love . She is a ball of fun , unless she is grumpy then ya know , keep your distance lol . She is my little piece of heaven , she is always so fun and active , with a loving heart . She brightens my day , no matter what mood I'm in .

And last but not least .. the baby , Kel .. The ring leader of the 'Pain in the ass crew' . This little man has brought me so many laughs over the years , he truly is the best baby brother .... Never mind the fact he stole my dimples and dad's tall genes -___-
We recently discovered he has autism , which is what has been making it hard to handle him for many years , but we finally understand that with him certain things have to be handled differently than other . Noni and I plan on soon getting Autism awareness puzzle pieces to show our love and support for our little man .

I gained so many amazing family members from a terrible experience .. I could not trade a single one of them for the world . They keep me together .
Mom , Grandma , Papa , Aunts , Uncles , Cousins .. They all warm my heart and accept me as their own .. what more could an adopted kid hope for ? (:
-Nelle♥

Home ..

When is home not ... 'Home' anymore ..?
Isn't the saying , 'home is where the heart is , if your heart is there .. its home.' ?
So , if there is so much pain in your house you feel like you have no heart when you're in it .. isn't that a reason to leave ?
I find it a constant struggle .. I can't even be in my house for any period of time with out crying . There's so many bad memories here ... So many failed attempts , it's a useless battle . I have lived with my mom my entire life .. My dad comes and goes on a whim .. Our story is long and complicated .. But the story with my mother is no more simple .. it could take me possibly 6 posts EACH to explain my situation with either parent .. However , neither one of those relationships are good , and to me they are both lost causes .
When I'm in this house , I feel alone .. abused .. unwanted , unloved , neglected , misunderstood . Even worse , I KNOW that she doesn't care .. My only way out is to graduate ... once I do that she has no reason to keep me here .. I refuse to stay here after that day .. but for as fast as this year has flown by already , it's not fast enough .. All I want is to get out .
My boyfriends' family takes care of me . His mom's best friend from high school took me to the hospital a while back .. I had no clue where my mom was or when she would be back , and it took me and hour to get ahold of her just to tell her i was going in . Unlike any other parent who SHOULD HAVE come up to the hospital to relieve this woman of being there , she continued with her plans , then went to bed before I even found out what was wrong with me ..
If it was my kid .. They would have known where I was , what I was doing , and what time I intended on being home . My phone would've been on me , and when my kid says 'Im in the ER' I would have dropped EVERYTHING , and drove my ass to the hospital where I belonged ..
But here's the funny thing .. She gets offended by the amount of time I spend with his family and how much they do for me and care for me.. She says she feels as if they want to adopt me in cause they feel like I'm under-cared for here .. News flash . I am ! And that is how they feel .. at least they feel something ! I feel as though my mom just doesn't give a shit any more .. I get blamed for our relationship falling apart , i got blamed for our finances being crap , you name it .. Then I get grounded for spending too much time over there and not communicating with her .. When , get this , I spent 2 hours the day before on the phone with her and every one else under the sun trying to get some one to fix her blown tire because SHE didn't put her big girl panties on and text/call these people herself ...
I don't know .. To me , if some one is truly miserable to the point to where they tear up just having to walk through the thresh-hold of their own damn house ... They should leave , and they should be allowed that option .
-Nelle♥