Part 4 ...

I couldn't believe that one man could be so ignorant , that he wouldn't realize his actions . Or even worse , so evil that he noticed them and simply didn't care . See , now in retrospect I can see more signs that I was wise enough to gather back then . See , at a young age , my sisters showed an interest in smoking cigarettes and one particularly liked alcohol .. He would give them these things which made them happy , but he did it behind their mothers' back . I never noticed this before .. But it was a classic scenario of you do for me , I do for you . He manipulated their silence , probably w/o them even noticing ..
I had tried all I could .. but I figured .. maybe he's right . I'm just a stupid kid , who's gonna believe me anyways ? I had no idea how powerful the words of a small girl to the right person could be . In June of 2009 , we moved from North Highlands to Rio Linda . Beautiful two-story house , great yard , kitchen , some of the rooms were painted crazy colors ! It was great . But nothing about our family changed .. Just the scenery . By this time I was on a month-2-month basis w/ my parents .. July was mom's month . My mom came to pick me up that first week of July , and my baby sister is sitting on the stairs just balling her eyes out . She keeps taking my stuff back upstairs , telling me not to leave her .. I sat down next to her and told her I would be back next month and not to cry . She looked me dead in my eyes and said , "No you wont . You'll never step foot in this house again." I scoffed and left thinking she was being over dramatic .. But that girls got a gift ..
A few weeks later , CPS called my mother saying that my father was under investigation for the violation of about 5-20 different young girls and not to let me go over there . She set up a day to come to my home and talk to me . She asked me what things were like in that house , how we all got along , whether or not he had ever touched or hurt me .. I couldn't lie , it was my chance to finally bust his ass for mentally and physically scarring us kids .. I told the lady every thing I knew and could remember . All I wanted was to be with my sisters . I remember asking the lady , "just tell me one thing .. Did he touch the baby girl ?" .. She looked at me with a sad puppy look and said , every one I've talked to had a story .. I ran to my room and balled , and I honestly don't know what was said between her and my mom .. I remember the lady offering me counseling .. God , do I wish I had taken it back then ..
I waited to hear the news my father had been arrested , I even had to go to this building and give an official statement to a person in a suit with other people and my mom behind a 2-way mirror .. I thought for sure he was going down .. Nope. He was let off the hook completely because the one person who could put him behind bars refused to get up on the stand . Can you blame her ? I mean .. We all just wanted this to be over and justice served .. She confessed to me one night that she didn't do it because she thought that my little brother and I would hate her .. And I wanted her to know from the bottom of my heart that I love her to death , and that prick bastard will never , EVER mean more to me than she does <3
To this day I hope that man rots in hell and a cell .. He may be my father but he will never be my dad . I trusted him .. I loved him , and even after all that I still risked my every thing to help him , and time after time he has hurt and betrayed me , and I just can't keep forgiving him . I will never forgive him for what he did to me and my sisters ... Ever . It's an unforgivable sin .. You wanna know what the worst part is ..? To this day he stand by his decisions and truly believes that he did nothing wrong  .. How could one man be so stupid .?

I just wanna talk .. But should I ?

Sometimes I find myself in one of those moods where you're just like "Fuck everything , and everyone...". I currently feel like this almost everyday of my life . I don't understand why everything is always such a big fucking deal all the time .. Life is too short to spend all your time worrying about the little shit . I am to this point where I will just say the first thing that pops in my head and rolls off of my tongue , and that's pretty dangerous for me ..
Like I woke up from a random mid-day nap to a text from my friend (female) and as the conversation continued I told her I don't trust any of my friends around my bf when I'm not around . I don't think that's healthy though .... Like honestly if you cant trust your friends ..? Idk , but the way it came out was wrong so she took it wrong .. Luckily we recovered before she went to bed , 5 minutes ago . But I can't help feeling like nothing I do is right . When I don't say exactly what's on my mind , like .. if I try to say it nicely , im 'beating around the bush' or 'sugar coating' it . If I say it the way it pops in my head , I'm a 'bitch' , 'rude' , some how I'm 'inconsiderate' of other peoples' feelings . Well then how tf' am I supposed to say it ?! Fuck ...
See , there is a common misconseption that perfection exists .. NEWS FLASH DUMB ASSES !! No one is , will be , or has ever been 'perfect' .. it DOES NOT exist .. So stop holding people up to this ridiculous standard .. Honestly , if you think perfection is necessary .. start with your self .. Show us all how 'perfect' you can get .. But keep in mind that perfection doesn't brag , so you literally have to show us , with actions .. NO words .. Imposible ? Thought so .. Shut the hell up ..
I'm just so sick of being 'wrong' every thing I do is wrong .. Always . Just for once I'd like to be told I did something right .. but then again , why do I care to be held to the standards of other people... ? Why..? Cause I have no fucking choice .. It seems like until I'm 18 everything I do is EVERY single persons business , and conveniently .... they all think I'm wrong , but since they all think I'm wrong for different reasons , then they fight each other on who's more right about how wrong I am ... Honestly ? Are you serious ..?
However ; this disillusion that becomin an adult will relive that pressure haunts me , cause I know it's exactly that ... a disillusion . Why ? Because even once you're grown people think that your life and your choices are their business and they will always find a reason to try and throw you off your path ..
Lesson of this rant .... Trust no-one but yourself .. Cause only you really care about you ..
-Nelle♥