My life story .. and you wonder why Im so messed up .. Part three

This post might hit the feels a little bit ..

So , after the Erika thing went south , I had to move in with my dad and his wife and kids . I had been avoiding going over there as much as possible because of the things that went on over there , but after we moved into the area , my mother started forcing me to go over there more . Since she was blind sighted by the move , she had no where to go , and thus no where to put me .. So I lived with him for months w/o a break .. I shared a room with the younger two kids at first , then with one of my older sisters . Life there was less than ideal . The babies always got what ever they could whine their way into , and the two mid-oldest were the rebel kids . One was always in trouble and the other was so bad , they didn't even bother to punish her cause she didn't give a fuck what they said any ways . My oldest sister was left with the responsibility of raising us at least 80% of the time , cause our parents .. Well , they weren't ever there , but that wasn't new or shocking .. It was like that pretty much from the time they first got together . I remember a lot of weekends where I saw a whole lot of my sister running the house and not a whole lot of the adults at all . After a while , I stopped giving my sister such a hard time and started helping her take on the responsibility cause , no teen should have to do that alone .. not with 5 kids . But , when she turned 18 , she dipped . She couldn't handle the pressure they were putting on her , and honestly I can't blame her . There's a reason I didn't ever go over there .. that was one of the big ones .
Another big reason I stopped going over there .. I started to feel like some of the way that my father interacted with us kids , especially us girls , was just flat out inappropriate .. He was constantly tickling us , grabbing us , popping our bra straps , etc . It started with little things like that , things that wouldn't even normally cross your radar .. But then it started to get , different . Every morning he would want each one of us kids to INDIVIDUALLY go into his room in the morning and say hi to him once he woke up . Mind you , he slept naked , and all that was between us was a thin sheet . He would make us lay down and cuddle with him , talk to him . He would start messing with us and tickling us which we were uncomfortable with , but he told us we were over reacting and that it wasn't optional . Every week it seemed to get a little worse . He started commenting on how we'd "grown" and he was in no way referring to our height .. He would force us to sit on his lap , and kiss him on the lips . (against my will I might add cause I never grew up w/ kissing being a greeting so I thought it was weird as fuck , especially with him)
I remember one day , he wanted to talk to me ... In his room .. I have no idea why considering the house was empty as I can remember . He laid down and told me to lay with him . I told him no , and he looked at me mean . He repeated himself . I told him that I didn't really feel like laying down and I sat on the end of his bed . He pulled me up to the pillows forcing me to lay down with him . He then tried to cover me with his blankets , I told him no that it was too hot , he ignored me . I would periodically try to throw the blankets off me and he would force them back on me . He started to doze off mid-convo and I decided that this was my only chance to get away from him .. So I waited for him to fully fall asleep , while I was sweating buckets under his thick ass blanket , and I snuck out as quietly as I could .. I was paralyzed . I couldn't believe that I just had to escape from my dad's bedroom like a scared victim from their potential murderer . I felt betrayed , like I couldn't trust him , and I stayed scared from then on . Things like this kept happening over and over , but I just kept telling myself that it was all in my head .. Finally , I grew some balls and asked my sisters about it .. They told me that not only had they experienced this abuse , but extended female family and friends had as well .. I wont share their stories , cause they aren't mine to tell but .. I assure you , they don't get any better or easier to hear . To this day , I am more hurt than any thing .. In life you should , if no one else , be able to trust your two biological parents .. And yet one was inappropriately invading my personal space . I asked my step mom if she would talk to him for me , but to my knowledge , she never even tried .. So I got fed up and sat him down . I told him that I , along with others , were done being sexually assaulted by him , that he needed to keep his hands to him self , no more kissing on the mouth , no more grabbing of body parts , no more sitting on his lap and being in the room while hes naked under a thin sheet . I laid out for him my ground rules and told him I would ruin him if he didn't change .
In the most oblivious and deniable way he told me that he was a grown man , I had no right to tell him what to do , there was nothing wrong with his actions , and I had no witnesses to back me up ..

See you again ..

Having people close to you is amazing feeling .. It makes you feel like you are never alone . Until what is closest to you is ripped away . My best friend and I have had an amazing relationship , very hard and lots of fights , but we always stay best friends , I couldn't live with out her .
Her family has been more family to me over the years than my own family has been in my entire lifetime .. It's still like that /:
We found out last month .. her little sister was being taken from us ... When was the last time that CPS did something helpful ..? I have never seen it .. I've had a few experiences with them .. They usually ignore important cases and rip apart families that could have solved small problems on their own .
My best friend and I love to sing . We have been performing at an amazing little coffee shop , Extreme Java Jungle Cafe , but this last performance .. We had to call off ... Her sister was always the one to cheer loudest , always clapped the longest .. Even recoded us so we could put our name out there .. It didn't feel right with out her there .
Luckily we had an amazing guy to work with , the store owner .. He was so understanding of our family situation and told us we are more than welcome to come back as soon as we are ready . Thank you Ralph , you've been great !
The day Sydni left , I had seen her that morning .. I hugged her as she cried , wiped away a few of her tears , and told her I loved her , not knowing when was the next time I would see her or even hear from her . As our dad dropped me off at home , i said good bye to him and the girls , stared right into her eyes , and turned away before they watered .. No sooner than I got to my door they were gone ..
I titled this post 'see you again' because i finally found a song that with in the first verse explains that day perfectly .. The song is by Carrie Underwood ..
'Said goodbye , turned around , and you were gone , gone , gone , faded into the setting sun .. Slipped away'. I cried the first day I heard this song cause it not only mimics the last day i saw sissy , but the last night i saw my grandfather before he passed ..
I hope that anyone who is missing some one right now , can read this and take comfort in the fact that we are all missing someone . If they left .. They will be back , and they died , you will be with them soon .. Timing is everything in this life . And even when it seems like the worst possible timing , for what ever reason , it is.probably perfect .

Home ..

When is home not ... 'Home' anymore ..?
Isn't the saying , 'home is where the heart is , if your heart is there .. its home.' ?
So , if there is so much pain in your house you feel like you have no heart when you're in it .. isn't that a reason to leave ?
I find it a constant struggle .. I can't even be in my house for any period of time with out crying . There's so many bad memories here ... So many failed attempts , it's a useless battle . I have lived with my mom my entire life .. My dad comes and goes on a whim .. Our story is long and complicated .. But the story with my mother is no more simple .. it could take me possibly 6 posts EACH to explain my situation with either parent .. However , neither one of those relationships are good , and to me they are both lost causes .
When I'm in this house , I feel alone .. abused .. unwanted , unloved , neglected , misunderstood . Even worse , I KNOW that she doesn't care .. My only way out is to graduate ... once I do that she has no reason to keep me here .. I refuse to stay here after that day .. but for as fast as this year has flown by already , it's not fast enough .. All I want is to get out .
My boyfriends' family takes care of me . His mom's best friend from high school took me to the hospital a while back .. I had no clue where my mom was or when she would be back , and it took me and hour to get ahold of her just to tell her i was going in . Unlike any other parent who SHOULD HAVE come up to the hospital to relieve this woman of being there , she continued with her plans , then went to bed before I even found out what was wrong with me ..
If it was my kid .. They would have known where I was , what I was doing , and what time I intended on being home . My phone would've been on me , and when my kid says 'Im in the ER' I would have dropped EVERYTHING , and drove my ass to the hospital where I belonged ..
But here's the funny thing .. She gets offended by the amount of time I spend with his family and how much they do for me and care for me.. She says she feels as if they want to adopt me in cause they feel like I'm under-cared for here .. News flash . I am ! And that is how they feel .. at least they feel something ! I feel as though my mom just doesn't give a shit any more .. I get blamed for our relationship falling apart , i got blamed for our finances being crap , you name it .. Then I get grounded for spending too much time over there and not communicating with her .. When , get this , I spent 2 hours the day before on the phone with her and every one else under the sun trying to get some one to fix her blown tire because SHE didn't put her big girl panties on and text/call these people herself ...
I don't know .. To me , if some one is truly miserable to the point to where they tear up just having to walk through the thresh-hold of their own damn house ... They should leave , and they should be allowed that option .
-Nelle♥

Pain .. The silent murderer .

In advanced , I'm sorry for not posting in a while .. It's been an interesting month and a half (x

Pain .. Pain is something every one has to endure at some point in their lives . Whether it be physical , emotional , fictional , pain is real and causes people to do weird , crazy things some times .
Yesterday I found out that my sister's , Ashley and Sara .. Their dad's super close friend committed suicide . They said it broke their daddy's heart to hear the news , this man was practically.. no he was family to them , and he took his life . You have to be in a lot of pain to think that suicide is your best option . This poor man .. I could only imagine what he must've been feeling when he pulled that trigger ..
Guys , suicide is never the answer .. Even when it seems like it is the only option .. it's not . And just because you think no one will miss you or notice .. doesn't mean they wont . Even if just one person cares , the heart of that person is shattered forever , knowing some one they loved and cared for is now gone forever .
I know pain is real , and it puts crazy thoughts through your head .. To be completely honest , I thought suicide was the way .. a few times .. Now I never acually had the balls to try .. but I would contenplate every day .. "Who would really miss me?" "Who would notice first?" "Who even gives a shit?!" These thoughts ran through my head every day for almost an entire year .. And  never expressed that to any one until now .
I used to self harm in JR High . My closest two friends and I used to cut ourselves , burn our selves , give our selves eraser burns .. I am so lucky to be able to STILL call those girls my best friends .. Thank God we never took it too far or hit a vein on accident .. Cause I may not even be here to right this . I am so greatful for my sister Ashley , though . She , and her mom who I love so dearly , talked me out of this insanity before it got out of hand . My sister went down that road when I was much younger and I told our parents and got her help .. She told me it was only right if she did the same for me . Knowing that even just those two people cared .. helped me understand I was making a huge mistake , and that I could've killed myself and not even known it ..
I hope that anyone who is or was considering self harm of any kind (suicide included) that this helped you see , there's a better way .. You will be missed , you are loved , and even though life is shit right now ... It does eventually get better .. It takes time , but no rain storm comes with out a rainbow on it' ass ;)
-Nelle♥
P.s.
A special shout out to Sara , David and Ashley ... You guys are amazing and strong indiviuals ..
And Rest peacefully Timmy Jones , gone , but never forgotten from the hearts that heald you close .