This is my first blog post in a very long time, I fell off for a while.. But I am back, for the moment.
I want to share my newest experience, one of the biggest stepping stones of my adult life thus far... A new house, our own house! But to do so, I should probably go back to.. eh, not the beginning, but a little farther back than where I am now.
So, around mid to end February, I moved in with my best friend, and by moved in I mean I went over there one night and just.. Never left lol. We did pretty much everything together. I lived in her room, we went to school together, we had class together, and we spent most of our time at home bullshitting with one another about everything and nothing all at once. I have known her since middle school and spent a good portion of high school with her day in and day out.. So this was like a Sophomore year repeat for us. For a little while, her boyfriend lived with us as well, three people, one room.. Can we all say NO SPACE?
After about a month, he moved into his parents old house a couple miles away.. Fast forward to May 13, we got kicked out.. Stressed on where we would end up, her boyfriend told us we could stay with him until we figured out our situation. He had already been in need of roommates to help make rent and was single handedly cleaning up after the mess the previous tenants had left behind. The day after we came to the house, our other best friend comes to visit us. After a little while of talking and showing her the house, we informed her that there was another room available in the house that her and her boyfriend could move into if they wanted and we could all just live together and keep the house. After her boyfriend got off of work, we talked to them both and they agreed they would move in the next day.
This was an exciting process for us three girls because we have all wanted to live together since middle school and had actually had plans to get an apartment together the beginning of this year that fell through due to financial imbalance. Now, here we are a week into June, still together in our new house, making ends meet in the best possible we can. It hasn't always been easy, though. There have been rough patches and stressers, but nevertheless we are still on our own. We have done, and will do, anything we can or have to do to keep our house OURS. We have two cats, one decided to get excited and runaway.., a dog and a hamster. We have truly turned this house into a home, one that we can all enjoy and be ourselves in.
Everyday is something new and exciting over here, and we maintain a level of respect that is hard for a lot of others for our age and situations. But to be fully honest, I haven't been happier to move in my life. I did a lot of bouncing around all through my childhood and teen years, and was in a lot of bad and uncomfortable situations. Now, we all have our own rooms, a yard, new furniture, and a new start at our lives as young adults. We have received a lot of help and support from friends and family, and it has really given us the push we needed to get started. Things are far from perfect, but one thing that we will always have is each other, and that's really all we need.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
#NewYearNewAttitude
So I had a long conversation with my uncle not too long ago , one that really resonated with me. He is a football coach , but in a lot of ways that makes him like a mentor . Think of any thing you've been coached on , that person becomes some one you look up to for advise and support. He told me that he had some key pieces of information that helped him, things he wished he knew when he was my age. These are some of the things I am going to share right now .
I had already planned to make 2015 a positive year. The last couple years have been hell on me and they have really taken their toll physically, emotionally, and mentally . I haven't been in control of really any aspect of my life other than small choices I make daily. But this upcoming year .. It will be completely different. This year, I am an adult and every choice is my own. I deside my own life , choices , and future . Here are some tips he gave me:
1. Always give . GIVE , GIVE , GIVE ! Even if you have next to nothing and it feels like you have nothing to offer .. Still give. Whether you believe in karma or not , give . Dont give with the intention of receiving , give with the intention of changing someones life. What may seem like nothing to you , could literally be all it takes to save a life. If you think that means only finances and money. You're dead wrong. Of coarse , money is always helpful but sometimes money isn't what a person wants or needs. A few good ways to give more in 2015 ..
- Go in your closet and flip all your hangers facing out . By June , any hanger still facing out , give that article of clothing away to a homeless shelter or a Goodwill .
- Take an extra $20 for your monthly or weekly food budget and buy sandwhich fixings .. Make some sandwhiches and pass them out where ever you see a homeless person or community. It may feel like nothing really to you. But showing them that some one cares could be all they need to keep pushing forward.
- Next time you go out to fast food or drinks (Mc Donalds , Starbucks ) or even gas . put an extra $5 towards the next person's purchase. Its small and simple , but in the long run it makes all the world of difference.
The next thing he told me was a little harder to hear and accept , and may also be harder to put into practice. I naturally am the type to turn down help even knowing I need it. Especially when it comes to taking money or expensive gifts , its hard for me to take them. This is a habit I really need to break. Why ? Because the next rule is ;
2. Take (Ask). Take what you need and never be afraid to ask for what you need. So many of us will let ourselves run totally dry before we will allow another person to help. Why? Some where between human pride and fear of rejection , this concept is uncomfortable for us, but the phrase , "a closed mouth never gets fed" , it's a serious statement. No one can read your mind and see into your hearts desire . If you need something the only way to get it is to ask. Another thing is , don't always look at it as "taking" but more as receiving . Never turn down something another person tries to give you. Just as we are afraid to ask for more , some people fear giving what they have because they may feel that it isn't enough and don't want to be turned down . never deny someone the blessing of being able to give .. Some times they just need to give , and turning them down is showing them that their offering is inadequate .
3. Make a dream board or a goal board. I know this sounds like a clishe teenage girl thing to do , but think about it this way. Every one has dreams and goals . Its also been proven that we tend to remember things better if we associate them with something else important to us. A dream board shows exactly what you want and is a visual reminder of why you want it. A good idea of how to add to it , is to thing of 3 main reasons why that dream is important to you and how accomplishing that goal would be beneficial in the long run . A goal with no purpose behind it is simply a thought. Make your dreams a reality . Focus , think , apply .
These are just a few of the things he shared with me (in my own words of coarse) , and I thought that others might be inspired by these thoughts as well (:
If even just a fraction of our population could be like this , the world would be a better place !
-Nell 🎵
I had already planned to make 2015 a positive year. The last couple years have been hell on me and they have really taken their toll physically, emotionally, and mentally . I haven't been in control of really any aspect of my life other than small choices I make daily. But this upcoming year .. It will be completely different. This year, I am an adult and every choice is my own. I deside my own life , choices , and future . Here are some tips he gave me:
1. Always give . GIVE , GIVE , GIVE ! Even if you have next to nothing and it feels like you have nothing to offer .. Still give. Whether you believe in karma or not , give . Dont give with the intention of receiving , give with the intention of changing someones life. What may seem like nothing to you , could literally be all it takes to save a life. If you think that means only finances and money. You're dead wrong. Of coarse , money is always helpful but sometimes money isn't what a person wants or needs. A few good ways to give more in 2015 ..
- Go in your closet and flip all your hangers facing out . By June , any hanger still facing out , give that article of clothing away to a homeless shelter or a Goodwill .
- Take an extra $20 for your monthly or weekly food budget and buy sandwhich fixings .. Make some sandwhiches and pass them out where ever you see a homeless person or community. It may feel like nothing really to you. But showing them that some one cares could be all they need to keep pushing forward.
- Next time you go out to fast food or drinks (Mc Donalds , Starbucks ) or even gas . put an extra $5 towards the next person's purchase. Its small and simple , but in the long run it makes all the world of difference.
The next thing he told me was a little harder to hear and accept , and may also be harder to put into practice. I naturally am the type to turn down help even knowing I need it. Especially when it comes to taking money or expensive gifts , its hard for me to take them. This is a habit I really need to break. Why ? Because the next rule is ;
2. Take (Ask). Take what you need and never be afraid to ask for what you need. So many of us will let ourselves run totally dry before we will allow another person to help. Why? Some where between human pride and fear of rejection , this concept is uncomfortable for us, but the phrase , "a closed mouth never gets fed" , it's a serious statement. No one can read your mind and see into your hearts desire . If you need something the only way to get it is to ask. Another thing is , don't always look at it as "taking" but more as receiving . Never turn down something another person tries to give you. Just as we are afraid to ask for more , some people fear giving what they have because they may feel that it isn't enough and don't want to be turned down . never deny someone the blessing of being able to give .. Some times they just need to give , and turning them down is showing them that their offering is inadequate .
3. Make a dream board or a goal board. I know this sounds like a clishe teenage girl thing to do , but think about it this way. Every one has dreams and goals . Its also been proven that we tend to remember things better if we associate them with something else important to us. A dream board shows exactly what you want and is a visual reminder of why you want it. A good idea of how to add to it , is to thing of 3 main reasons why that dream is important to you and how accomplishing that goal would be beneficial in the long run . A goal with no purpose behind it is simply a thought. Make your dreams a reality . Focus , think , apply .
These are just a few of the things he shared with me (in my own words of coarse) , and I thought that others might be inspired by these thoughts as well (:
If even just a fraction of our population could be like this , the world would be a better place !
-Nell 🎵
Monday, May 5, 2014
Parents or Givers of Life ??
Now before you all just assume I'm an angry teenager that hates their parents simply for the fact that I'm young and want to do things my own way .. First of all , I don't allow closed minded fucks on my page , so gtfo .. Second , You have no idea the kind of parents I've had and encountered .. So just stay with me .
I understand that no one is perfect , becoming a parent cannot instantly make you perfect .. But , you need to understand that your choices aren't your own any more . Every thing you do has to be with your child in mind , because every thing you do affects them . I'm about to go through a bullet point list of what not to do as a parent just based on experiences with me and my friends .. (I will not use any names or expose identities .. I swear . That's not my business to tell .)
*Physical reprimanding is acceptable (Otherwise known as Spanking) , it is not okay to leave bruises , marks , or scars on your child . Nor is it okay to do it so often that your kids become jumpy with the expectant of being beat .
*If your child (of same or opposite gender) feels you are being inappropriate in some manner , you need to stop what ever the fuck it is you are doing to make them uncomfortable . Especially if said child can give you a specific list of what they are not okay with . You do not have the right to tell them that they are liars and you can do what ever the fuck you want . I know from personal experience how humiliated and violated you feel , by the person you are supposed to be able to put all your trust in .. your parent .
*If you are dating some one that your kid(s) hate , that abuses them (physically , emotionally , mentally , sexually , etc) or that constantly disrespect you in front of them , and you stay with them , or worse pick them over your child , YOU are a bad fucking parent . When you make the dedication to have a kid , you are saying that for the rest of their life (or at the VERY least until they turn 18) you are promising to put their needs above yours at all costs . If you pick any person over your child while they are still dependent on you , you are a shit parent . Relationships come and go , you will NEVER get a second chance to raise your kids right and show them they can trust you .
*You cannot by any circumstance what so ever be a good parent while on drugs . Period . You are not only breaking the law , you are putting your child's safety in jeopardy , and risking the factor that they may lose you forever (either by jail or death) . You are not fully aware and alert nor are you by any means a good role model . Get clean , or give them up to some one who is .
*Do not ever , EVER threaten your child's life . Not even as a joke . That whole , "I brought you into this world , I can take you out" thing is total fucking bullshit .. Whether you understand it our not , that traumatizes a child . To hear the person they are supposed look up to , and trust to keep them safe not only wants them dead , but dead at their hand ? No . It's simply unacceptable . Don't say it when your're angry , don't say it when your joking .. Just don't .
Last but not least:
*If you are financially unstable , you are instantly a bad parent . If you can't afford and provide for your baby , you just shouldn't have one . I know things happen .. And that's fine , but step the fuck up . Do not make your baby go with out , that is beyond unfair to them . If you can't keep a roof over their heads , clothes on their back , and food in their stomach .. You are an unfit parent . PERIOD .
These are just some of the few circumstances that literally describe the life of me and my closest peers . Sadly , most of these categories applied to every one of us ..
Being alive is hard enough , being a parent is harder .. I know , I had to grow up waay faster than I should've to raise kids I didn't even carry and push out . It was total bullshit . But at a young age I learned .. They don't understand what's going on the way that I do , and they probably wont for years . All they will remember was who was there , and who wasn't .. And I didn't want to be one of the many on the side that weren't there . So I sucked it up , I sacrificed , and I did what the fuck I had to do so THEY could have the childhood I didn't get , because if I had the choice I would want some one to have been there to rescue me ...
I understand that no one is perfect , becoming a parent cannot instantly make you perfect .. But , you need to understand that your choices aren't your own any more . Every thing you do has to be with your child in mind , because every thing you do affects them . I'm about to go through a bullet point list of what not to do as a parent just based on experiences with me and my friends .. (I will not use any names or expose identities .. I swear . That's not my business to tell .)
*Physical reprimanding is acceptable (Otherwise known as Spanking) , it is not okay to leave bruises , marks , or scars on your child . Nor is it okay to do it so often that your kids become jumpy with the expectant of being beat .
*If your child (of same or opposite gender) feels you are being inappropriate in some manner , you need to stop what ever the fuck it is you are doing to make them uncomfortable . Especially if said child can give you a specific list of what they are not okay with . You do not have the right to tell them that they are liars and you can do what ever the fuck you want . I know from personal experience how humiliated and violated you feel , by the person you are supposed to be able to put all your trust in .. your parent .
*If you are dating some one that your kid(s) hate , that abuses them (physically , emotionally , mentally , sexually , etc) or that constantly disrespect you in front of them , and you stay with them , or worse pick them over your child , YOU are a bad fucking parent . When you make the dedication to have a kid , you are saying that for the rest of their life (or at the VERY least until they turn 18) you are promising to put their needs above yours at all costs . If you pick any person over your child while they are still dependent on you , you are a shit parent . Relationships come and go , you will NEVER get a second chance to raise your kids right and show them they can trust you .
*You cannot by any circumstance what so ever be a good parent while on drugs . Period . You are not only breaking the law , you are putting your child's safety in jeopardy , and risking the factor that they may lose you forever (either by jail or death) . You are not fully aware and alert nor are you by any means a good role model . Get clean , or give them up to some one who is .
*Do not ever , EVER threaten your child's life . Not even as a joke . That whole , "I brought you into this world , I can take you out" thing is total fucking bullshit .. Whether you understand it our not , that traumatizes a child . To hear the person they are supposed look up to , and trust to keep them safe not only wants them dead , but dead at their hand ? No . It's simply unacceptable . Don't say it when your're angry , don't say it when your joking .. Just don't .
Last but not least:
*If you are financially unstable , you are instantly a bad parent . If you can't afford and provide for your baby , you just shouldn't have one . I know things happen .. And that's fine , but step the fuck up . Do not make your baby go with out , that is beyond unfair to them . If you can't keep a roof over their heads , clothes on their back , and food in their stomach .. You are an unfit parent . PERIOD .
These are just some of the few circumstances that literally describe the life of me and my closest peers . Sadly , most of these categories applied to every one of us ..
Being alive is hard enough , being a parent is harder .. I know , I had to grow up waay faster than I should've to raise kids I didn't even carry and push out . It was total bullshit . But at a young age I learned .. They don't understand what's going on the way that I do , and they probably wont for years . All they will remember was who was there , and who wasn't .. And I didn't want to be one of the many on the side that weren't there . So I sucked it up , I sacrificed , and I did what the fuck I had to do so THEY could have the childhood I didn't get , because if I had the choice I would want some one to have been there to rescue me ...
Friday, April 11, 2014
Part 4 ...
I couldn't believe that one man could be so ignorant , that he wouldn't realize his actions . Or even worse , so evil that he noticed them and simply didn't care . See , now in retrospect I can see more signs that I was wise enough to gather back then . See , at a young age , my sisters showed an interest in smoking cigarettes and one particularly liked alcohol .. He would give them these things which made them happy , but he did it behind their mothers' back . I never noticed this before .. But it was a classic scenario of you do for me , I do for you . He manipulated their silence , probably w/o them even noticing ..
I had tried all I could .. but I figured .. maybe he's right . I'm just a stupid kid , who's gonna believe me anyways ? I had no idea how powerful the words of a small girl to the right person could be . In June of 2009 , we moved from North Highlands to Rio Linda . Beautiful two-story house , great yard , kitchen , some of the rooms were painted crazy colors ! It was great . But nothing about our family changed .. Just the scenery . By this time I was on a month-2-month basis w/ my parents .. July was mom's month . My mom came to pick me up that first week of July , and my baby sister is sitting on the stairs just balling her eyes out . She keeps taking my stuff back upstairs , telling me not to leave her .. I sat down next to her and told her I would be back next month and not to cry . She looked me dead in my eyes and said , "No you wont . You'll never step foot in this house again." I scoffed and left thinking she was being over dramatic .. But that girls got a gift ..
A few weeks later , CPS called my mother saying that my father was under investigation for the violation of about 5-20 different young girls and not to let me go over there . She set up a day to come to my home and talk to me . She asked me what things were like in that house , how we all got along , whether or not he had ever touched or hurt me .. I couldn't lie , it was my chance to finally bust his ass for mentally and physically scarring us kids .. I told the lady every thing I knew and could remember . All I wanted was to be with my sisters . I remember asking the lady , "just tell me one thing .. Did he touch the baby girl ?" .. She looked at me with a sad puppy look and said , every one I've talked to had a story .. I ran to my room and balled , and I honestly don't know what was said between her and my mom .. I remember the lady offering me counseling .. God , do I wish I had taken it back then ..
I waited to hear the news my father had been arrested , I even had to go to this building and give an official statement to a person in a suit with other people and my mom behind a 2-way mirror .. I thought for sure he was going down .. Nope. He was let off the hook completely because the one person who could put him behind bars refused to get up on the stand . Can you blame her ? I mean .. We all just wanted this to be over and justice served .. She confessed to me one night that she didn't do it because she thought that my little brother and I would hate her .. And I wanted her to know from the bottom of my heart that I love her to death , and that prick bastard will never , EVER mean more to me than she does <3
To this day I hope that man rots in hell and a cell .. He may be my father but he will never be my dad . I trusted him .. I loved him , and even after all that I still risked my every thing to help him , and time after time he has hurt and betrayed me , and I just can't keep forgiving him . I will never forgive him for what he did to me and my sisters ... Ever . It's an unforgivable sin .. You wanna know what the worst part is ..? To this day he stand by his decisions and truly believes that he did nothing wrong .. How could one man be so stupid .?
I had tried all I could .. but I figured .. maybe he's right . I'm just a stupid kid , who's gonna believe me anyways ? I had no idea how powerful the words of a small girl to the right person could be . In June of 2009 , we moved from North Highlands to Rio Linda . Beautiful two-story house , great yard , kitchen , some of the rooms were painted crazy colors ! It was great . But nothing about our family changed .. Just the scenery . By this time I was on a month-2-month basis w/ my parents .. July was mom's month . My mom came to pick me up that first week of July , and my baby sister is sitting on the stairs just balling her eyes out . She keeps taking my stuff back upstairs , telling me not to leave her .. I sat down next to her and told her I would be back next month and not to cry . She looked me dead in my eyes and said , "No you wont . You'll never step foot in this house again." I scoffed and left thinking she was being over dramatic .. But that girls got a gift ..
A few weeks later , CPS called my mother saying that my father was under investigation for the violation of about 5-20 different young girls and not to let me go over there . She set up a day to come to my home and talk to me . She asked me what things were like in that house , how we all got along , whether or not he had ever touched or hurt me .. I couldn't lie , it was my chance to finally bust his ass for mentally and physically scarring us kids .. I told the lady every thing I knew and could remember . All I wanted was to be with my sisters . I remember asking the lady , "just tell me one thing .. Did he touch the baby girl ?" .. She looked at me with a sad puppy look and said , every one I've talked to had a story .. I ran to my room and balled , and I honestly don't know what was said between her and my mom .. I remember the lady offering me counseling .. God , do I wish I had taken it back then ..
I waited to hear the news my father had been arrested , I even had to go to this building and give an official statement to a person in a suit with other people and my mom behind a 2-way mirror .. I thought for sure he was going down .. Nope. He was let off the hook completely because the one person who could put him behind bars refused to get up on the stand . Can you blame her ? I mean .. We all just wanted this to be over and justice served .. She confessed to me one night that she didn't do it because she thought that my little brother and I would hate her .. And I wanted her to know from the bottom of my heart that I love her to death , and that prick bastard will never , EVER mean more to me than she does <3
To this day I hope that man rots in hell and a cell .. He may be my father but he will never be my dad . I trusted him .. I loved him , and even after all that I still risked my every thing to help him , and time after time he has hurt and betrayed me , and I just can't keep forgiving him . I will never forgive him for what he did to me and my sisters ... Ever . It's an unforgivable sin .. You wanna know what the worst part is ..? To this day he stand by his decisions and truly believes that he did nothing wrong .. How could one man be so stupid .?
My life story .. and you wonder why Im so messed up .. Part three
This post might hit the feels a little bit ..
So , after the Erika thing went south , I had to move in with my dad and his wife and kids . I had been avoiding going over there as much as possible because of the things that went on over there , but after we moved into the area , my mother started forcing me to go over there more . Since she was blind sighted by the move , she had no where to go , and thus no where to put me .. So I lived with him for months w/o a break .. I shared a room with the younger two kids at first , then with one of my older sisters . Life there was less than ideal . The babies always got what ever they could whine their way into , and the two mid-oldest were the rebel kids . One was always in trouble and the other was so bad , they didn't even bother to punish her cause she didn't give a fuck what they said any ways . My oldest sister was left with the responsibility of raising us at least 80% of the time , cause our parents .. Well , they weren't ever there , but that wasn't new or shocking .. It was like that pretty much from the time they first got together . I remember a lot of weekends where I saw a whole lot of my sister running the house and not a whole lot of the adults at all . After a while , I stopped giving my sister such a hard time and started helping her take on the responsibility cause , no teen should have to do that alone .. not with 5 kids . But , when she turned 18 , she dipped . She couldn't handle the pressure they were putting on her , and honestly I can't blame her . There's a reason I didn't ever go over there .. that was one of the big ones .
Another big reason I stopped going over there .. I started to feel like some of the way that my father interacted with us kids , especially us girls , was just flat out inappropriate .. He was constantly tickling us , grabbing us , popping our bra straps , etc . It started with little things like that , things that wouldn't even normally cross your radar .. But then it started to get , different . Every morning he would want each one of us kids to INDIVIDUALLY go into his room in the morning and say hi to him once he woke up . Mind you , he slept naked , and all that was between us was a thin sheet . He would make us lay down and cuddle with him , talk to him . He would start messing with us and tickling us which we were uncomfortable with , but he told us we were over reacting and that it wasn't optional . Every week it seemed to get a little worse . He started commenting on how we'd "grown" and he was in no way referring to our height .. He would force us to sit on his lap , and kiss him on the lips . (against my will I might add cause I never grew up w/ kissing being a greeting so I thought it was weird as fuck , especially with him)
I remember one day , he wanted to talk to me ... In his room .. I have no idea why considering the house was empty as I can remember . He laid down and told me to lay with him . I told him no , and he looked at me mean . He repeated himself . I told him that I didn't really feel like laying down and I sat on the end of his bed . He pulled me up to the pillows forcing me to lay down with him . He then tried to cover me with his blankets , I told him no that it was too hot , he ignored me . I would periodically try to throw the blankets off me and he would force them back on me . He started to doze off mid-convo and I decided that this was my only chance to get away from him .. So I waited for him to fully fall asleep , while I was sweating buckets under his thick ass blanket , and I snuck out as quietly as I could .. I was paralyzed . I couldn't believe that I just had to escape from my dad's bedroom like a scared victim from their potential murderer . I felt betrayed , like I couldn't trust him , and I stayed scared from then on . Things like this kept happening over and over , but I just kept telling myself that it was all in my head .. Finally , I grew some balls and asked my sisters about it .. They told me that not only had they experienced this abuse , but extended female family and friends had as well .. I wont share their stories , cause they aren't mine to tell but .. I assure you , they don't get any better or easier to hear . To this day , I am more hurt than any thing .. In life you should , if no one else , be able to trust your two biological parents .. And yet one was inappropriately invading my personal space . I asked my step mom if she would talk to him for me , but to my knowledge , she never even tried .. So I got fed up and sat him down . I told him that I , along with others , were done being sexually assaulted by him , that he needed to keep his hands to him self , no more kissing on the mouth , no more grabbing of body parts , no more sitting on his lap and being in the room while hes naked under a thin sheet . I laid out for him my ground rules and told him I would ruin him if he didn't change .
In the most oblivious and deniable way he told me that he was a grown man , I had no right to tell him what to do , there was nothing wrong with his actions , and I had no witnesses to back me up ..
So , after the Erika thing went south , I had to move in with my dad and his wife and kids . I had been avoiding going over there as much as possible because of the things that went on over there , but after we moved into the area , my mother started forcing me to go over there more . Since she was blind sighted by the move , she had no where to go , and thus no where to put me .. So I lived with him for months w/o a break .. I shared a room with the younger two kids at first , then with one of my older sisters . Life there was less than ideal . The babies always got what ever they could whine their way into , and the two mid-oldest were the rebel kids . One was always in trouble and the other was so bad , they didn't even bother to punish her cause she didn't give a fuck what they said any ways . My oldest sister was left with the responsibility of raising us at least 80% of the time , cause our parents .. Well , they weren't ever there , but that wasn't new or shocking .. It was like that pretty much from the time they first got together . I remember a lot of weekends where I saw a whole lot of my sister running the house and not a whole lot of the adults at all . After a while , I stopped giving my sister such a hard time and started helping her take on the responsibility cause , no teen should have to do that alone .. not with 5 kids . But , when she turned 18 , she dipped . She couldn't handle the pressure they were putting on her , and honestly I can't blame her . There's a reason I didn't ever go over there .. that was one of the big ones .
Another big reason I stopped going over there .. I started to feel like some of the way that my father interacted with us kids , especially us girls , was just flat out inappropriate .. He was constantly tickling us , grabbing us , popping our bra straps , etc . It started with little things like that , things that wouldn't even normally cross your radar .. But then it started to get , different . Every morning he would want each one of us kids to INDIVIDUALLY go into his room in the morning and say hi to him once he woke up . Mind you , he slept naked , and all that was between us was a thin sheet . He would make us lay down and cuddle with him , talk to him . He would start messing with us and tickling us which we were uncomfortable with , but he told us we were over reacting and that it wasn't optional . Every week it seemed to get a little worse . He started commenting on how we'd "grown" and he was in no way referring to our height .. He would force us to sit on his lap , and kiss him on the lips . (against my will I might add cause I never grew up w/ kissing being a greeting so I thought it was weird as fuck , especially with him)
I remember one day , he wanted to talk to me ... In his room .. I have no idea why considering the house was empty as I can remember . He laid down and told me to lay with him . I told him no , and he looked at me mean . He repeated himself . I told him that I didn't really feel like laying down and I sat on the end of his bed . He pulled me up to the pillows forcing me to lay down with him . He then tried to cover me with his blankets , I told him no that it was too hot , he ignored me . I would periodically try to throw the blankets off me and he would force them back on me . He started to doze off mid-convo and I decided that this was my only chance to get away from him .. So I waited for him to fully fall asleep , while I was sweating buckets under his thick ass blanket , and I snuck out as quietly as I could .. I was paralyzed . I couldn't believe that I just had to escape from my dad's bedroom like a scared victim from their potential murderer . I felt betrayed , like I couldn't trust him , and I stayed scared from then on . Things like this kept happening over and over , but I just kept telling myself that it was all in my head .. Finally , I grew some balls and asked my sisters about it .. They told me that not only had they experienced this abuse , but extended female family and friends had as well .. I wont share their stories , cause they aren't mine to tell but .. I assure you , they don't get any better or easier to hear . To this day , I am more hurt than any thing .. In life you should , if no one else , be able to trust your two biological parents .. And yet one was inappropriately invading my personal space . I asked my step mom if she would talk to him for me , but to my knowledge , she never even tried .. So I got fed up and sat him down . I told him that I , along with others , were done being sexually assaulted by him , that he needed to keep his hands to him self , no more kissing on the mouth , no more grabbing of body parts , no more sitting on his lap and being in the room while hes naked under a thin sheet . I laid out for him my ground rules and told him I would ruin him if he didn't change .
In the most oblivious and deniable way he told me that he was a grown man , I had no right to tell him what to do , there was nothing wrong with his actions , and I had no witnesses to back me up ..
My life story .. and you wonder I'm screwed up ... Part 2
I could go on for days about the bunches of places that we lived in or stayed in , but there were a few that were more extreme than others . Some situations that even the nicest or calmest person would blow their lid having to deal with.. Let's start with Linda .
Linda- She was a sweet old lady , recently widowed , had a nice 3 bedroom house and a small dog . After leaving my mom's friends house , we moved in with Linda .. this was February 1st , 07 . The room we rented was small , my mom and I shared both the room , and a twin sized mattress to sleep on . Upon moving in , I got very sick , with what I remember to be flu symptoms . Fever , chills , fatigue , I didn't move for days .
Two weeks after moving in she tells us that she wants her space back and we need to be out before the end of the month . THE SHORTEST CALENDAR MONTH OF THE YEAR .. But she told us she would pay back rent for every day we weren't there . So we packed up our shit and tried to find another home . We stumbled upon our next roommate .. from HELL ..
Cheryl- Cheryl was an older woman with a nice older house in Del Paso Heights . She had a mother and young daughter renting the 3rd bedroom from her already , but had the master bedroom available for rent . The location and situation were not ideal , but what do you expect from house hunting on SCL ? So we move in there , thankfully there was lots of room and closet space . A few weeks into living there we find out , the other mother daughter couple has scabies ! Yes I do mean the microscopic parasite that lives and burrows under your skin causing gross and painful rashes that are highly contagious .. Wonderful right ? It gets better .. I started my first ever school year at Hagginwood Elementary , but I didn't start til 2 months before school got out . When I got there it was like a bad mean-girls movie . The clicks had began already , even though high school hadn't .. and of coarse the one girl I liked there happened to be the outcast of the entire school . And what does the out casts best friend become ..? You guessed it .. So I got picked on , pushed around , picked last , and had rumors started about me . Karina was my only friend . Every day I would come home and Cheryl was screaming at me or my mother for something , and my mom never stood up to her , for fear that it would cost us our housing . Well , one day before Cheryl left on a vacation , I was standing in the kitchen listening to her scream at my mother about how "dirty" the kitchen was , even though I had just watched my mom clean it . My mom was giggling and humming to herself trying to ignore Cheryl which just pissed her off more .. I swear I saw her go to swing on my mom and my mouth just blurted "Don't put your hands on my mom you bitch!" She.. went .. NUTS ! She literally went around the kitchen touching everything and saying , "you can't use this , or touch this .." and finally she just banned me from the kitchen all together . (believe it or not that is not the worst of her , but I have better stories to come)
Erika- Struggling to find where to go next, my mom stumbled upon Erika on CL . She was a single mom with two young daughters , a 2 yr old and a 7 yr old . She said she had a car , but it was unreliable . My mom figured that some one like her was great to move in with , they could exchange war stories and parenting strategies and being supporting to one another .. Ha , yeah right . Not long after we move in , Erika asks to borrow our car , says she has to see the Dr. every morning for a shot and her brother was borrowing her car to 'fix it up' . We get a call not long after that if we don't find our way down to the Methadone clinic within the hour , our car was being impounded . My mom rushes down there to find that Erika is a , supposedly , recovering drug addict .. But the reason they called is because when they did a pre-shot drug scan she came up negative and wanted to impound her car so she couldn't drive under the influence again , thats when she told them the car wasn't hers . Things got worse and worse with her until the last straw . Erika had her 'brother' and his gf over for a night and we went to bed not thinking any thing of it . Her 7 year old , whom we were raising cause she was always gone or .. "gone" .. knocks on our door one morning and tells us she tried every thing but "mommy wont wake up" . My mom and I flew out of bed to find Erika passed out on the floor convulsing . We called 911 and she was rushed to the ER , the girls stayed w/ us that day and just cried . While she was gone , my mom went down to get the mail one day . After opening the rent notice she discovered that Erika was lying to her about the amount of money she needed each month . She tacked on cigarette and weed expenses w/o even consulting my mother . So when she returns home asking for the rent , my mom gives her ONLY what she truly needs to pay the rent .. Erika flips , steals my moms cell phone and tells her she can't have it back unless she gives her the rest of the money . My mom tells me to stay in the room , but the more I hear them arguing , the less I could stay in that room . They moved their argument out to the living room , where it took a sour turn . She began to swing on my mom as well as attempting to throw our cell phone over the balcony . When she got physical I tried to call 911 on the home phone , but she snatched the phone and hung it up . I tried once more , she told dispatch "every thing is fine , don't come" , which is usually a clear indication that there is something wrong , but they didn't catch the clue . I tried for the 3rd time to call , she ripped the phone cord out of the wall . I replaced the cord , put my hand over the wall socket and call again , she ripped the cord out again , hurting my hand . I was done with this , so I ran for the front door (not knowing it was locked) , she charged after me and my mom went into momma bear mode . She wrapped Erikas insanely long hair around her hand and yanked her back , screaming "dont touch my daughter!". I ran to my friend Jackies house and called the police from there .. That night I ended up moving into my dads , and the police told my mom just to move her stuff out if she didn't want to take Erika to court .
Think my life can't get any more interesting ? This was only age 12 .. I'll be 18 this year , and this is only 3 roommates out of .. Im not even sure how many ..
Linda- She was a sweet old lady , recently widowed , had a nice 3 bedroom house and a small dog . After leaving my mom's friends house , we moved in with Linda .. this was February 1st , 07 . The room we rented was small , my mom and I shared both the room , and a twin sized mattress to sleep on . Upon moving in , I got very sick , with what I remember to be flu symptoms . Fever , chills , fatigue , I didn't move for days .
Two weeks after moving in she tells us that she wants her space back and we need to be out before the end of the month . THE SHORTEST CALENDAR MONTH OF THE YEAR .. But she told us she would pay back rent for every day we weren't there . So we packed up our shit and tried to find another home . We stumbled upon our next roommate .. from HELL ..
Cheryl- Cheryl was an older woman with a nice older house in Del Paso Heights . She had a mother and young daughter renting the 3rd bedroom from her already , but had the master bedroom available for rent . The location and situation were not ideal , but what do you expect from house hunting on SCL ? So we move in there , thankfully there was lots of room and closet space . A few weeks into living there we find out , the other mother daughter couple has scabies ! Yes I do mean the microscopic parasite that lives and burrows under your skin causing gross and painful rashes that are highly contagious .. Wonderful right ? It gets better .. I started my first ever school year at Hagginwood Elementary , but I didn't start til 2 months before school got out . When I got there it was like a bad mean-girls movie . The clicks had began already , even though high school hadn't .. and of coarse the one girl I liked there happened to be the outcast of the entire school . And what does the out casts best friend become ..? You guessed it .. So I got picked on , pushed around , picked last , and had rumors started about me . Karina was my only friend . Every day I would come home and Cheryl was screaming at me or my mother for something , and my mom never stood up to her , for fear that it would cost us our housing . Well , one day before Cheryl left on a vacation , I was standing in the kitchen listening to her scream at my mother about how "dirty" the kitchen was , even though I had just watched my mom clean it . My mom was giggling and humming to herself trying to ignore Cheryl which just pissed her off more .. I swear I saw her go to swing on my mom and my mouth just blurted "Don't put your hands on my mom you bitch!" She.. went .. NUTS ! She literally went around the kitchen touching everything and saying , "you can't use this , or touch this .." and finally she just banned me from the kitchen all together . (believe it or not that is not the worst of her , but I have better stories to come)
Erika- Struggling to find where to go next, my mom stumbled upon Erika on CL . She was a single mom with two young daughters , a 2 yr old and a 7 yr old . She said she had a car , but it was unreliable . My mom figured that some one like her was great to move in with , they could exchange war stories and parenting strategies and being supporting to one another .. Ha , yeah right . Not long after we move in , Erika asks to borrow our car , says she has to see the Dr. every morning for a shot and her brother was borrowing her car to 'fix it up' . We get a call not long after that if we don't find our way down to the Methadone clinic within the hour , our car was being impounded . My mom rushes down there to find that Erika is a , supposedly , recovering drug addict .. But the reason they called is because when they did a pre-shot drug scan she came up negative and wanted to impound her car so she couldn't drive under the influence again , thats when she told them the car wasn't hers . Things got worse and worse with her until the last straw . Erika had her 'brother' and his gf over for a night and we went to bed not thinking any thing of it . Her 7 year old , whom we were raising cause she was always gone or .. "gone" .. knocks on our door one morning and tells us she tried every thing but "mommy wont wake up" . My mom and I flew out of bed to find Erika passed out on the floor convulsing . We called 911 and she was rushed to the ER , the girls stayed w/ us that day and just cried . While she was gone , my mom went down to get the mail one day . After opening the rent notice she discovered that Erika was lying to her about the amount of money she needed each month . She tacked on cigarette and weed expenses w/o even consulting my mother . So when she returns home asking for the rent , my mom gives her ONLY what she truly needs to pay the rent .. Erika flips , steals my moms cell phone and tells her she can't have it back unless she gives her the rest of the money . My mom tells me to stay in the room , but the more I hear them arguing , the less I could stay in that room . They moved their argument out to the living room , where it took a sour turn . She began to swing on my mom as well as attempting to throw our cell phone over the balcony . When she got physical I tried to call 911 on the home phone , but she snatched the phone and hung it up . I tried once more , she told dispatch "every thing is fine , don't come" , which is usually a clear indication that there is something wrong , but they didn't catch the clue . I tried for the 3rd time to call , she ripped the phone cord out of the wall . I replaced the cord , put my hand over the wall socket and call again , she ripped the cord out again , hurting my hand . I was done with this , so I ran for the front door (not knowing it was locked) , she charged after me and my mom went into momma bear mode . She wrapped Erikas insanely long hair around her hand and yanked her back , screaming "dont touch my daughter!". I ran to my friend Jackies house and called the police from there .. That night I ended up moving into my dads , and the police told my mom just to move her stuff out if she didn't want to take Erika to court .
Think my life can't get any more interesting ? This was only age 12 .. I'll be 18 this year , and this is only 3 roommates out of .. Im not even sure how many ..
My life story .. And you wonder why I'm screwed up .. Part One
This is my way of telling people why I am the way I am .. These stories wont all be pleasant , and some may be just as hard for you to read as they are for me to write . If any one I know reads them I want you to know that I love you and hope you don't take offense to this (unless I hate you then .. Take loads of offense). This is just me , telling my life story from my perspective.
I grew up in a little apt in Rancho Cordova . I lived across the street from a library , I was unschooled , and my mom stayed at home with me . I remember that place . It was my home , my sanctuary . No matter what irrational fears I had , even back then , that apartment was my save place . It was in this apartment that I first discovered my biological father .. He came into my life only because his license was revoked for not paying child support .. Him and I soon had problems and I told him never to speak to me again ..
I remember when my mom first found out she wasn't going to be able to keep the apt . I don't know if she told me , or I over heard another convo , but I started to panic .. I packed little bags of clothes and toys in anticipation of losing my home .. Why I was so forward thinking as a child , I have no idea .. But I remember telling my mom we should leave before we get thrown out .. that we should live with grandma and grandpa . My mom refused , swore some thing would come along .. Nothing ever did . One morning the police and our land lady showed up on our door step with an eviction notice and with in the hour we were hauling shit to my grandparents house .. I lost my animals , my space , a lot of my stuff , and my sense of stability . That was the only place I had ever lived my entire life , and just like that .. It was gone .
Not long before we lost the place , my father pops back up . Says he's getting married and has 4 new siblings for me and one on the way .. I was so over joyed to finally have siblings that I totally forgot how much I hated him .. I through myself head on into that family .. To this day he thinks I came back to HIM , but honestly I probably still wouldn't have spoken to him if it weren't for them . He may claim his ex wife ruined his life , but w/o her , he wouldn't have even gotten the chance to know me .
Life at my grandparent's was hard . They had very different ways of doing pretty much every thing than what my mom and I were used to , so the four of us were constantly in a battle of who's right vs. who really gives a fuck .. it was nuts .. Two years after we moved in , my grandfather had a fatal car crash due to a brain aneurysm set off by a former stroke . I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours . That man was my best friend , my dad , my grandpa , my favorite person and he was just ripped away from me . One day a few months after the funeral , my grandma decided she was going to sell the house they have had since my mother was 5 and she was going to move to GA to be with her sister . I was so pissed .. I hated my grandmother for quite some time .. I to this day still feel like she abandoned us when what we needed most was family . Those two years with my moms parents were the last stable years of my childhood , cause we moved 15 other times between now and then .. and that's only including actual residencies , not motel stays or sleeping on a friends couch for a few days .
I grew up in a little apt in Rancho Cordova . I lived across the street from a library , I was unschooled , and my mom stayed at home with me . I remember that place . It was my home , my sanctuary . No matter what irrational fears I had , even back then , that apartment was my save place . It was in this apartment that I first discovered my biological father .. He came into my life only because his license was revoked for not paying child support .. Him and I soon had problems and I told him never to speak to me again ..
I remember when my mom first found out she wasn't going to be able to keep the apt . I don't know if she told me , or I over heard another convo , but I started to panic .. I packed little bags of clothes and toys in anticipation of losing my home .. Why I was so forward thinking as a child , I have no idea .. But I remember telling my mom we should leave before we get thrown out .. that we should live with grandma and grandpa . My mom refused , swore some thing would come along .. Nothing ever did . One morning the police and our land lady showed up on our door step with an eviction notice and with in the hour we were hauling shit to my grandparents house .. I lost my animals , my space , a lot of my stuff , and my sense of stability . That was the only place I had ever lived my entire life , and just like that .. It was gone .
Not long before we lost the place , my father pops back up . Says he's getting married and has 4 new siblings for me and one on the way .. I was so over joyed to finally have siblings that I totally forgot how much I hated him .. I through myself head on into that family .. To this day he thinks I came back to HIM , but honestly I probably still wouldn't have spoken to him if it weren't for them . He may claim his ex wife ruined his life , but w/o her , he wouldn't have even gotten the chance to know me .
Life at my grandparent's was hard . They had very different ways of doing pretty much every thing than what my mom and I were used to , so the four of us were constantly in a battle of who's right vs. who really gives a fuck .. it was nuts .. Two years after we moved in , my grandfather had a fatal car crash due to a brain aneurysm set off by a former stroke . I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours . That man was my best friend , my dad , my grandpa , my favorite person and he was just ripped away from me . One day a few months after the funeral , my grandma decided she was going to sell the house they have had since my mother was 5 and she was going to move to GA to be with her sister . I was so pissed .. I hated my grandmother for quite some time .. I to this day still feel like she abandoned us when what we needed most was family . Those two years with my moms parents were the last stable years of my childhood , cause we moved 15 other times between now and then .. and that's only including actual residencies , not motel stays or sleeping on a friends couch for a few days .
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