My life story .. And you wonder why I'm screwed up .. Part One

This is my way of telling people why I am the way I am .. These stories wont all be pleasant , and some may be just as hard for you to read as they are for me to write . If any one I know reads them I want you to know that I love you and hope you don't take offense to this (unless I hate you then .. Take loads of offense). This is just me , telling my life story from my perspective.

I grew up in a little apt in Rancho Cordova . I lived across the street from a library , I was unschooled , and my mom stayed at home with me . I remember that place . It was my home , my sanctuary . No matter what irrational fears I had , even back then , that apartment was my save place . It was in this apartment that I first discovered my biological father .. He came into my life only because his license was revoked for not paying child support .. Him and I soon had problems and I told him never to speak to me again ..
 I remember when my mom first found out she wasn't going to be able to keep the apt . I don't know if she told me , or I over heard another convo , but I started to panic .. I packed little bags of clothes and toys in anticipation of losing my home .. Why I was so forward thinking as a child , I have no idea .. But I remember telling my mom we should leave before we get thrown out .. that we should live with grandma and grandpa . My mom refused , swore some thing would come along .. Nothing ever did . One morning the police and our land lady showed up on our door step with an eviction notice and with in the hour we were hauling shit to my grandparents house .. I lost my animals , my space , a lot of my stuff , and my sense of stability . That was the only place I had ever lived my entire life , and just like that .. It was gone .
Not long before we lost the place , my father pops back up . Says he's getting married and has 4 new siblings for me and one on the way .. I was so over joyed to finally have siblings that I totally forgot how much I hated him .. I through myself head on into that family .. To this day he thinks I came back to HIM , but honestly I probably still wouldn't have spoken to him if it weren't for them . He may claim his ex wife ruined his life , but w/o her , he wouldn't have even gotten the chance to know me .
Life at my grandparent's was hard . They had very different ways of doing pretty much every thing than what my mom and I were used to , so the four of us were constantly in a battle of who's right vs. who really gives a fuck .. it was nuts .. Two years after we moved in , my grandfather had a fatal car crash due to a brain aneurysm set off by a former stroke . I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours . That man was my best friend , my dad , my grandpa , my favorite person and he was just ripped away from me . One day a few months after the funeral , my grandma decided she was going to sell the house they have had since my mother was 5 and she was going to move to GA to be with her sister . I was so pissed .. I hated my grandmother for quite some time .. I to this day still feel like she abandoned us when what we needed most was family . Those two years with my moms parents were the last stable years of my childhood , cause we moved 15 other times between now and then .. and that's only including actual residencies , not motel stays or sleeping on a friends couch for a few days .

Reflecting ..

A time of loss seems to always be a time of reflection . We always get so caught up in our selves , in our own lives and our ways , that we take life for granted , we don't understand that in one eighteenth of a second , we could cease to exist .. It's sad that it has to come to that to make us realize that .. But loss also comes with regret , which is due to a lack of reflection prior to life altering events .. Tonight , we lost a great man fighting for his life .. And it made me think of my grandfather .. They were similar in a lot of ways .. I cried because it was sad , and I cried because I remember the pain I felt the day my grandfather died .. That man was my very best friend .. I feel terrible to have to watch these people I love and care for so much have to hurt like this , and I truly wish I could take the pain away ..
Along with my reflection I realized , even the family I don't choose to talk to or interact with , I would still hate to see go . If by chance any of them read what I post .. I do want them to know , I do love them , and I do think about them , and although I am not ready to persue relationships with them at this time , due to how our relationships with one another ended , I want them to know that if they die on me , I'm killing them when I find out ..<3 Yes , I do in fact mean my fathers' family .. We have our problems and differences , and we all have heads harded that titanium ... But they are forever in my heart ..
I wish that people didn't have to die .. forever . That they could just go to , more or less , a different country or different planet .. where we could write or call once a year just remember and communicate , and that we could join them when our time is up and be a family again .. Like Justin Moore said .. "if heaven wasn't so far away.."
This blog post is short , cause my brain scatters a bit when I cry .. But yeah .. Even if you have that one family member or friend that does nothing but get under your skin and make you cuss .... Let them know you still love them , cause you never know when the last time you will be able to do that is .. <3